I am a Christian. I am a gay man. Here is chronicle of my symbolic journey west, toward adventure, challenge, mystery and ultimately peace.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


Lazy. I've gotten lazy about my blogging again.

But, in my defense, spring is arriving. Spring is my very favorite time of year, when grass turns from brown to green and things hidden underground begin to push their leaves and flowers upwards. I love it. Thank you, God, for spring. And for things which grow and become new.

Speaking of growing, I tripped across this fascinating blog entry at Pam's House Blend. I truly can't tell you much about Pam or her blend, so I issue a mild disclaimer that "all views and opinions are not necessarily those of the management." Even so, I enjoy the blog.

In this entry, Pam talked with Joe Murray, a former columnist from the American Family Association (AFA). I wince a bit when I hear about the AFA, because I find much of their talk unfair. I occassionally listen to the AFA's daily half-hour round-table discussion about family issues and get so terribly frustrated. I sometimes have to force myself not to listen because I get condemned as a gay man during nearly every episode.

Anyway....Joe Murray has left the AFA and wrote an editoral about General Peter Pace's recent comments on homosexuality. Among other things, Mr. Murray strongly questioned the AFA's intense focus on homosexuality. That's quite amazing, given that he once worked for the AFA. So Pam interviewed Joe Murray to more fully understand his views and understandings on many issues, among them homosexuality.

It's a long read, but a truly intriguing one as well. Take a look when you get the chance. My appreciation goes to Joe Murray for explaining himself quite thoughtfully and to Pam for providing the forum for this thoughts.

Take care, my friends.

Friday, March 16, 2007


Or it is dialogue? I'm never quite sure.

I simply want to say thanks to those of you who read and include such insightful comments. There is incredible wisdom out there in the blogosphere. I'm simply glad to be learning from it.

Typically, I've shied away from responding to comments. But today there was just some neat stuff in the comments section from my last post (which was more an spiritual tantrum complete with emotional vomitting) that I wanted to write about.

Pomoprophet starts by writing about honesty and asking what our church might be like if we were all this honest. I agree that we would all be disgusted. Imagine how many churches could even endure such honesty without ripping apart. Perhaps a different definition of "church" helps here. My best friends, the ones I let on the inside of this ridiculous struggle, are the ones who had ugly problems themselves. There is the married couple who was once headed straight to divorce court, but almost no one knew. There was my friend who told me about his own porn battle. Not that he has licked the problem, but I've looked up to him ever since. There's the girl who was shunned from church because she wasn't a virgin, but really is now living her life as one. We're the outcasts, the collection of people Eric blogs about, the real ones, perhaps even the survivors. I'll march with you anytime; I have to believe Jesus would have too.

eXnihilo encourages me by saying, "Keep your chin up, you're doing fine." To which I say, "right back at all of you, dear readers." I so often fail to see the progress I make, but I would cause you deafness in one ear reminding you that you are OK, that you will make it. What a mess I have so often, but I'm so appreciative that you'll not ignore the disaster but love me in the midst of it. I find God in that kind of love.

And KJ. Dear KJ. How many times have you extended a virtual hug to me? All of you readers--go back and read his comments. Right now. Stop and read them. I'm so glad being gay is more than an erection when provided a certain stimulus. (That's the message I get from the world. And possibly from the traditional church.) It is the ability to fall in love with the someone of the same gender, and I know that has happened to me. It's not something I've discussed much here, and most times those love relationships have ended in excruciating pain. The reasons they ended had little to do with being gay, and more to do with misplaced priorities. I blamed my pain on being gay; perhaps it was just that I was human.

Contining...you are but one evangelical gay boy who finds himself on the cusp of a new thing that the Spirit is breathing. That's an astounding reality. Thank you for a word picture that illustrates it for me, KJ.

Have a happy weekend. I hope to.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007


I'm summoning my "title" Blogger picture for my post today, because it is exactly how I feel. The past 2 hours of my life, the past couple months, maybe even the last several years, I just want to hang my head. And be warned...this post is probably going to head a lot of directions at the very same time. (How appropriate...it's just like my mind.)

I've got a porn issue.

I want it to go away.

But it doesn't.

There. I said it. Or at least I wrote it down.

I just spent a while looking at gay pornography, and I'd like to gouge out my eyes to match that empty feeling I have in my heart. In fact, I honestly feel sick right now. Falling into temptation once again, without the discipline to stop it.

Reality is that I enjoy the male body. I always have. I find the female form much less attractive. There have been times I see a nude woman and I actually involuntarily scrunch up my face. Many years ago, I remember rushing into the 'backroom' at the local video store. I watched straight porn...always checking out the guys. I stood in the room; I saw all the box covers, 98% of which were women, and wondered where all the covers of guys were. And on the few occassions when I did rent straight porn, I would make my decision by attempting to figure out which videos would have the most guy screentime. And yet EVEN THEN it didn't occur to me that I was gay. That is SOOOO aggrevating!!!

What is it with me and not clueing into being gay for such a long time??!!?! Maybe for a long time I'd rather be clueless than gay.

My freshman year of college, I was hanging out in a common area of a girls' dorm. Someone was passing around a magazine. The exact title escapes me, but it was something like a Seventeen. The girls were looking at a full-page ad featuring this muscled sweaty guy with black curly hair wearing a smile and a speedo. The girls laughed at how gross it was. I laughed along, and the magazine made its way around the room, its last stop at my lap. I said, "Ewww" as well. Then put my finger at the page and sublty laid it in my lap. When no one was looking, I re-opened the magazine and took a look. Beauty! I looked a second and a third time, but obviously was not careful enough. Jenn, the tall girl with the blonde hair, said to me but for the whole room to hear, "You've looked at that guy three times now." I was mortified, but I didn't even consider that I was gay. Maybe at the time I would rather have been mortified than gay.

Even before that, I remember the summer day after 8th grade that I visited my out-of-state cousin. She had posters in her room, something I never had. And above her bed was an another sweat-soaked adonis on a black-and-white poster. It was a PG-rated poster, but the guy was taking off his jeans, obviously not wearing underwear. The caption read, "Not all men are created equal." I could not stop looking at it. I wanted a poster like that, but I didn't know I was gay. Maybe at the time I would rather have been obvilivious than gay.

I like looking at guys. I don't like looking at girls. Period. Does that make me gay? Does my interest in gay porn over straight porn make me gay? Does my desire to hold and be held by a man make me gay?

Lots more to follow folks. Be prepared. I don't even know if this made sense. And I cannot believe I'm writing this, even anonymously.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Letting Go

Boy, I've really been letting the blog go lately. Go nowhere. If anyone is left reading, my apologies. It's been a busy time lately, with lots to think about.

I'm hoping to be back soon. In the meantime, be good to yourselves.