I am a Christian. I am a gay man. Here is chronicle of my symbolic journey west, toward adventure, challenge, mystery and ultimately peace.

Monday, June 18, 2007

One out of Two isn't bad

After a lengthy conversation with myself, during which I alternatively won and lost several times, I went to the gay pride celebration near me. Overall, I felt OK. I met a few people I knew (no surprises, though!). I really wanted to learn more about one organization with a booth, so I spent all my extroverted energy at once talking with someone I didn't know named Eric.

I didn't arrive with anyone, and just to calm any inquiring minds, I didn't go home with anyone either. LOL I just summoned some courage to go, and found that I survived.

Gay Pride...I think I at least one of those two words apply to me.

Friday, June 15, 2007


I'm just needing to keep mulling over what I wrote yesterday. Once I re-read my post, I realized it sounded a bit more dismal than I had intended. I'm not typically dragging my tired self around whining about singleness. I just know that I am quite introverted and that I enjoy my time alone. Probably a little too much, and so I choose to stay by myself in situations when I should be a bit more social. I suppose it makes joining the gay community hard when I'm not very outgoing. But I also know this has little to do with the gay aspect and much more to do with fear of joining a new community. It could be a new gym, or a support group, or a alumni association; I'm just not comfortable in new groups or any sort.

Someone told me yesterday of a crush he had from way back when on another guy, and how hard he had fallen for him, etc, etc. That reminded me that I can't recall most any time when I had a crush, male or female. That really bothers me. Wouldn't this puzzle called my sexuality be more clear if I had had some sort of undeniable crush at some point? I was just on my own; I never thought much about dating or having someone special in my life or whatever.

In fact, not so long ago someone said, "Everyone has crushes." I beg to differ. Not me. Perhaps I had crushes and have completely forgotten them, or that my poor self-esteem prohibited me from even considering a crush, or that I have just pushed away intimacy of any sort. I don't know.

So I come across a picture like these two hotties. And I imagine how nice it might be to wrap my arms around another guy, or to be held. It's exciting to me, and I even can tell you I think about something like this FAR more than I think about sex. But I cannot think of any guys from high school or college who I had a real-life crush on. Those ideas make this picture more of an idea in fantasy than something I think might actually happen to me.

I can think of one singular time in my life when I truly got flustered over a guy. Of all places, I was eating a burrito at a counter by myself when this very rugged guy in jeans and a blue shirt walked in unaccompanied. He was about my height and just looked good, his stubbly beard was beautiful. How exciting was it for me to peek to my left as he ordered and watch stealthfully from behind as he ordered. I was truly speechless, kinda fumbling by now with my napkin and praying to God I wouldn't be ridiculously obvious. I truly couldn't stop staring.

Of course, he came and sat down right beside me. By now I've managed to drop rice all over the floor and I'm futilely trying to be interested in the magazine I had been reading at my counter. I wanted so badly to say HI or something, anything. But doubt came, my fears resurfaced, he was out of my league. My one crush...there at the burrito place; I didn't even know his name. I lingered for as long as I thought I could, then picked up my stuff and went on my way, resealing myself back into my insulated world.

Hmmm...That was a bit of a tangent, I guess. Something of a daydream. Anyway, I'd like to have had one crush at some point or another. I'd like to think my world is composed of more than touched-up photos of hunky guys I can add to the blog. Crushes are just foreign to me, I guess, and that leaves me just a bit crushed.

Have a good weekend, everyone. Be good to yourselves.

Thursday, June 14, 2007


I've always been a loner. I am certain that if someone came into my neighborhood asking about me, they would say I was the quiet guy who had some nice flowers out front but generally kept to himself.

I was an only child and grew up in a rural setting. There were no best friends or sidekicks or buddies whose house I could wander into unannounced whenever I pleased.

Often, I imagine my future, and I am sure that it will be me alone, and so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's not so much that I want it that way as that I just figure it will be. I'm quite shy and would just wet myself from fright if I ever wandered into a gay bar and got hit on. Not that I'm all that concerned about getting hit on. Or of me hitting on anyone else. I wouldn't know what to say.

Besides, I'm so much more about a great conversation than anything physical that I'm certain much of the crowd would find me boring. Last summer a friend dragged me into a bar where we watched the cutest go-go boy; he was adorable. (Something along the lines of Steve Sandvoss from Latter Days.) He was not the most muscled guy there, but he was certainly the nicest, in my book. When he got done dancing, he walked out still shirtless and smiling. I thought to myself: "I just wish I could walk down the street with him and talk. Find out more about him. Laugh a bit." There was no fantasy of a "happy ending" or a passionate naked wrestling match. Just a hope of making a friend--one who looked damn fine in swimwear!!

Why do I even write about this?? I guess because it feels both counter-cultural and yet cheap at the same time. I mean, I'm not looking for a hookup or a big sex fest. But I also understand my physical draw to attractive men. And layered over all this is a sense that I'm quite broken and confused inside and that I'm no catch and that I'm so uncomfortable with myself much of the time that even if someone did show interest in me, I'd *have* to question their judgement. (And when you have no gaydar--I mean none--that's not so helpful either.)

And so I drift more toward being a loner than anything. It seems less likely that I'll be disappointed that way. It seems less likely that someone will criticize me if I just stay on my own. It seems less likely that anyone will notice that I feel guilty for being attracted to guys if I just work alone. It sucks, and I'm trying to work toward undoing some of this fear. I even made some really basic plans with some friends tonight just so I wouldn't be home alone tonight. Small steps, I guess, on what seems like a road thousands of miles long.

Kinda scared. Kinda frustrated. Kinda stuck. (Happily no longer sick!) Kinda disappointed in myself for another loss in the porn battle. Kinda sure that my life would be perfect if I just preferred women. (And realizing how irrational that thought is.) But trying to understand and work through it all in the meantime.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


Leave it to me, the guy who hasn't been seriously sick in years, to break that streak in a most unmistakable way. I went on vacation, and noticed not more than 5 hours after leaving home that I was getting sick. I tried to be valient, but two days later I finally gave in and headed to an ER to get some help for an infection. I spent the rest of my vacation trying to get better from the inside of a hotel and felt quite good as I was leaving for home, until...

While flying home I thought, "Why am I getting the sniffles?" Of course, that's because I was about to get sick AGAIN with something else. I am blessed with good insurance and the ability to take care of myself, but I still say being sick sucks.

For a while I was stuck, then I was sick. God, could I just please be neither of those??