Loner

I've always been a loner. I am certain that if someone came into my neighborhood asking about me, they would say I was the quiet guy who had some nice flowers out front but generally kept to himself.

I was an only child and grew up in a rural setting. There were no best friends or sidekicks or buddies whose house I could wander into unannounced whenever I pleased.

Often, I imagine my future, and I am sure that it will be me alone, and so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's not so much that I want it that way as that I just figure it will be. I'm quite shy and would just wet myself from fright if I ever wandered into a gay bar and got hit on. Not that I'm all that concerned about getting hit on. Or of me hitting on anyone else. I wouldn't know what to say.

Besides, I'm so much more about a great conversation than anything physical that I'm certain much of the crowd would find me boring. Last summer a friend dragged me into a bar where we watched the cutest go-go boy; he was adorable. (Something along the lines of Steve Sandvoss from Latter Days.) He was not the most muscled guy there, but he was certainly the nicest, in my book. When he got done dancing, he walked out still shirtless and smiling. I thought to myself: "I just wish I could walk down the street with him and talk. Find out more about him. Laugh a bit." There was no fantasy of a "happy ending" or a passionate naked wrestling match. Just a hope of making a friend--one who looked damn fine in swimwear!!

Why do I even write about this?? I guess because it feels both counter-cultural and yet cheap at the same time. I mean, I'm not looking for a hookup or a big sex fest. But I also understand my physical draw to attractive men. And layered over all this is a sense that I'm quite broken and confused inside and that I'm no catch and that I'm so uncomfortable with myself much of the time that even if someone did show interest in me, I'd *have* to question their judgement. (And when you have no gaydar--I mean none--that's not so helpful either.)

And so I drift more toward being a loner than anything. It seems less likely that I'll be disappointed that way. It seems less likely that someone will criticize me if I just stay on my own. It seems less likely that anyone will notice that I feel guilty for being attracted to guys if I just work alone. It sucks, and I'm trying to work toward undoing some of this fear. I even made some really basic plans with some friends tonight just so I wouldn't be home alone tonight. Small steps, I guess, on what seems like a road thousands of miles long.

Kinda scared. Kinda frustrated. Kinda stuck. (Happily no longer sick!) Kinda disappointed in myself for another loss in the porn battle. Kinda sure that my life would be perfect if I just preferred women. (And realizing how irrational that thought is.) But trying to understand and work through it all in the meantime.