I'm summoning my "title" Blogger picture for my post today, because it is exactly how I feel. The past 2 hours of my life, the past couple months, maybe even the last several years, I just want to hang my head. And be warned...this post is probably going to head a lot of directions at the very same time. (How appropriate...it's just like my mind.)I've got a porn issue.
I want it to go away.
But it doesn't.
There. I said it. Or at least I wrote it down.
I just spent a while looking at gay pornography, and I'd like to gouge out my eyes to match that empty feeling I have in my heart. In fact, I honestly feel sick right now. Falling into temptation once again, without the discipline to stop it.
Reality is that I enjoy the male body. I always have. I find the female form much less attractive. There have been times I see a nude woman and I actually involuntarily scrunch up my face. Many years ago, I remember rushing into the 'backroom' at the local video store. I watched straight porn...always checking out the guys. I stood in the room; I saw all the box covers, 98% of which were women, and wondered where all the covers of guys were. And on the few occassions when I did rent straight porn, I would make my decision by attempting to figure out which videos would have the most guy screentime. And yet EVEN THEN it didn't occur to me that I was gay. That is SOOOO aggrevating!!!
What is it with me and not clueing into being gay for such a long time??!!?! Maybe for a long time I'd rather be clueless than gay.
My freshman year of college, I was hanging out in a common area of a girls' dorm. Someone was passing around a magazine. The exact title escapes me, but it was something like a Seventeen. The girls were looking at a full-page ad featuring this muscled sweaty guy with black curly hair wearing a smile and a speedo. The girls laughed at how gross it was. I laughed along, and the magazine made its way around the room, its last stop at my lap. I said, "Ewww" as well. Then put my finger at the page and sublty laid it in my lap. When no one was looking, I re-opened the magazine and took a look. Beauty! I looked a second and a third time, but obviously was not careful enough. Jenn, the tall girl with the blonde hair, said to me but for the whole room to hear, "You've looked at that guy three times now." I was mortified, but I didn't even consider that I was gay. Maybe at the time I would rather have been mortified than gay.
Even before that, I remember the summer day after 8th grade that I visited my out-of-state cousin. She had posters in her room, something I never had. And above her bed was an another sweat-soaked adonis on a black-and-white poster. It was a PG-rated poster, but the guy was taking off his jeans, obviously not wearing underwear. The caption read, "Not all men are created equal." I could not stop looking at it. I wanted a poster like that, but I didn't know I was gay. Maybe at the time I would rather have been obvilivious than gay.
I like looking at guys. I don't like looking at girls. Period. Does that make me gay? Does my interest in gay porn over straight porn make me gay? Does my desire to hold and be held by a man make me gay?
Lots more to follow folks. Be prepared. I don't even know if this made sense. And I cannot believe I'm writing this, even anonymously.
3 comments:
hmmm. Honesty is so good. What would the church be like if we were all this honest? We would probably all be disgusted... only for awhile. And then it would hit us that we too, are that wretched and then we would embrace eachother and weep for the brokenness in this world. Then we would praise God because He has saved us by GRACE!
I'm preaching this weekend at the young adults group at my church. and the topic is "being real" and since i've been thinking about it, it just seems to be everywhere!
I feel your pain. I can count on one hand the amount of times i have been closely intimate with another man. Yet Ive lost track of how many ive hooked up with. The sex is so meaningless. I'd trade it all to have someone to hold and love.
Perhaps God has that for us in this lifetime. Perhaps not. So we take it day by day right. His grace is sufficient for us for His power is made perfect in our weakness!
I hear you on so many levels. It's actually almost as if you took the words right out of my mouth. I come home from school some days knowing that I have so much to do, and yet so much of that time is taken up at the computer looking at the chiseled features of yet another gay pornstar. It sucks and it leaves me empty as well. And this isn't my blog so I'll stop talking about myself.
I just want you to know that I think you're awesome for putting this post up and I look forward to reading about your journey as it happens. Keep your chin up, you're doing fine. :)
You (I) have a same-gendered sexual orientation. This is not new on planet earth, but if we've grown up in conservative/evangelical/fundamentalist faith settings, we've been steeped in denial (i.e., if one's heart is right with God, sexual orientation is other-gendered).
The sexual attraction is what it is -- just one part of you, but strong, and seeks to be satisfied. The human body is amazingly beautiful, even the girls. But just like any drive, including need for food, drink, relaxation, satisfying the need has to be in moderation. ALL things in moderation. Anything in excess, including staring at naked bodies, is not healthy.
But what is even greater is the drive/need to be joined with another at more than just a sexual level. Being "gay" is not just a sexual drive, but is also the ability to fall in love with the same-gendered other. God has not placed these drives within you idly; His attention was not wandering as your were created.
If you have not already discovered the writings of Ralph Blair, founder of "Evangelicals Concerned" (Don't let the name scare you -- It's all about us gay evangelical types as we resolve sexuality and spirituality.), check them out at the EC website at ecinc.org. Also, if you have never attended one of their annual gatherings (one in the east, one in the west), Get thee hence! They offer scholarships for those for whom finances might be a problem.
Journeyman, while you may feel completely alone, you are but one evangelical gay boy who finds himself on the cusp of a new thing that the Spirit is breathing. Get ready for the way that God is going to use you for those who are to come!
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