OK, gang. Call me a comment whore if you need to, but I do honestly want to get some feedback on this one. So if you have any advice wisdom or other words, anything at all, drop in and leave a comment.I have really had to wrestle lately with the damn closet door, and how open I want to or care to be. Remember, I still struggle with my sexuality at times, and yet I want to live authentically with the people in my life. For several years, I have quietly and subtly pulled the door shut from the inside, almost able to hear the creaking in the unoiled door hinge. Most times, I have no appetite or strength to defend myself or "my chosen lifestyle." I just want to say, "This attraction to guys thing is a part of me" and not get berated or tossed into the middle of a laying-on-of-hands ceremony. (And yes, that practically happened to me once when I miscalculated and came out to someone not prepared to hear it.)
Yet, because I have pulled the door shut to an extent, I have lost many friends anyway. This is not because they explicitly rejected me, but rather because I snuck off and saved them the trouble. I made assumptions about how they would react and idly watched the friendship die.
So....to what extent is the closet killing me and my relationships?
Some people know about my sexuality, but I have been quite calculating lately about who knows what. Or at least I have convinced myself I have control of who knows what about me. On the other hand, someone who is my age and has never brought a girlfriend around might be fooling fewer people than I think. So I am not in an air-tight closet all alone; I trust a lot of people around me. But I have a big challenge coming out to those who are left, which is a large group of church folks and some family that occassionally has a hay-day telling gay jokes.
One thing I have heard other gay folks say is that they feared coming out because it was almost something they could not take back. Once it is said out loud, publically, for anyone to hear, there was a sense that they had been labeled and assumptions made about them.
To be called on the carpet and be told I am going to hell and that I need to read Romans 1 (always said as if I obviously have never even heard of the Bible) are not going to be pleasant for me to handle. I do not want a fight or a debate or a lengthy time answering closed-ended questions. I am not up for a fight; I am up for an honest friendship.
So I am left swinging on this trapeze, my knees hooked over a bar swaying back and forth over the arena, knowing that I cannot stay here for too much longer. And I know the way off is to let go of the bar that now holds me up, and fly though the air un assisted, hoping the person promising to catch me by the wrists and swing me over to the safety of a secure platform will really do so. Or will it be a lengthy and horrifying drop to the floor, with the impending reality that the approaching collision with the ground will cripple me?
Thankfully, I had coffee with a great friend today who I usually see once a year. I share a tremendous amount of my doings and feelings, and he helps me process them. He tells me I am different every time we talk, each time for the better. He says I am becoming courageous in my decisions and in my progress on this journey. Today, he said the same thing. And I think even the mere authorship of a post like this should tell me something. I am debating doing the "publically out" thing.
Attractive guys turn me on. Intimacy with guys is something I like. The touch of a man is wonderful, and the masculinity of being held or holding in a quiet moment is hard to capture with words. These things I know. Since forever, I would stop in the mall kiosks selling next-year's calendars and walk right past the scantily-clothed girls draped over cars seeking the Chippendales, hoping no one would notice if I picked it up and looked at the shirtless hunks on the back.
Do I explain that to someone? And how? Is there really freedom outside the closet? Or is there just a lot more people with a lot more questions which will make me feel like a second-best citizen? For those of you who made the journey, what happens on the outside of the closet? Was it painful? Honestly. Tell me. Even if there was joy in being open and authentic, was it all pain-free?Here comes the audience participation; this is an All-Play. Raise your hand and hit the Comment button. Your turn....
8 comments:
from one "comment whore" to another (heehee! i've been "needy" that way lately)....
I'm just here to love you no matter what you do. I want you to be able to live an authentic life, which is what it sounds like you're trying to do.
I'm not making assumptions about you...but just from what I've observed in you and others I know, you'll be more peaceful and generally "happy" with yourself and life in general when everything lines up....your beliefs, your actions, your direction...your YOU.
And you know what...everyone won't always know and understand the lengths you've gone to to get to where you end up...and that works for anyone on either side of this thing OR even if you end up somewhere in the middle....but...guess what? That just doesn't matter.
Be YOU.
love and love and MUCH MUCH grace,
pam
A pain free life? No such thing. When we make that the goal, we'll be very disappointed every time. Just ask Jesus! :-)
Of course there is danger and pain for the glbt believer who comes out since, depending on the faith setting, the possible loss of family, friends and community is very real -- not imagined.
Having said that, in my own experience, though pain and loss were experienced, never before had I felt such a vitality in relationship with my Creator as I dove into his loving arms to experience my faith in a new way, free of "coasting" on the momentum of others. As Grace encourages you to do, when I was completely who I was, I discovered I was of much more use for the purposes of the One who has brought us to this place. To pretend that we are somebody else weakens us in a faith that requires incarnation.
Is it painful? Oh, of course. But that's unavoidable. Living in fear of who knows what and in the solitude of keeping yourself from friends and family is painful, too. So it's not a question of pain, really. It's a question of what pain has joy behind it.
Coming out doesn't mean that you have to engage in conversations you don't want to, either. I know that people will want to, but you can make clear (as is true for many people, I imagine) that you are more comfortable speaking with your Creator than men you fear harsh judgment from. This is not unreasonable - you have heard what they have said when they did not think you were one of 'them' - and you do not have to engage.
Medicine, and a great many things, are not pleasant at first, but we do them in the hopes of having a better day (or year) ahead. Coming out is hard, but I think most of us do it (at least I did), because we want to be more virtuous people, and honesty is an important part of that.
I say go for it. I am detecting that this is what you want to do, you are just working up the courage. There will be surprises and setbacks. But this is your life you are living. Those who wish to change you, well, they are the ones who need to change. It is the old, "You need to change so I feel better."
I found that when I came out, I had so much more energy! All the energy that I put into keeping the "secret" was gone. And it wasn't such a big secret anyway. In many cases, coming out was almost an anti-event.
What you may find is that a time will come when it is more important to just be you instead of being some image of you. All those other people can live their life, but you need to live your life the way you want. This is the only one you get! Use it wisely!
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Not sure that I have that much to ad. *being out to a whole 15-ish friends* but I would say go for it.
If it weren't for a summer job I would be "here and queer" already. Like pam and others have already said, you'll feel better in general.
So with that, I will finish packaging up some C4 so you can blow the hinges off that closet my man! ;)
-E
Folks, someday when I am rich, I am going to fly us all to some fantastic resort and we are going to sit in the sunshine and talk until we have run out of topics.
THANK YOU so much for these tremendous and thoughful comments. To think that you are sitting there at a computer and have probably never met this anonymous blogger, but you give your heartfelt best anyway.....it just blows me away. I do not know that I have made any definitive plans (at least not the type involving C4...awesome idea though), but I did have a couple of very challenging conversations with some friends since I posted this, and I am doing OK.
Tell me it gets easier. Please.
I am in somewhat of the same situation. I came out to a select group of people a little over a year and a half ago. I am so pleased to say that ALL of my friends have been very supportive. Keep in mind, I live in the South where creatures like Southern Baptists roam untethered. My family was Southern Baptist - and let me tell you - they give a new meaning to the word intolerent.
So having supportive friends was a huge relief and blessing. Next came the question of work. Do I tell or not tell. After much thought and consideration, I chose to tell two of my friends. These were odd choices because they were not the closest of my friends at work, but they have certainly become so. I have finally told a few others and their reactions have been fine.
Now comes the biggie. The parental units. This summer, my mom and I have been on the outs. We would fight a lot and we have grown less close. I have always been much closer to my dad. In anger, I told him I was gay. I think I hit him out of the blue with it, because we were arguing about something altogether different. He was essentially ok with it, but he doesn't like to discuss it very much. My mom is the one that adheres to legalism and will have a very hard time with it. My best friend says that the reason we have been fighting is that I have become a stronger person after having dealt with and chosen to accept who I really am and that that strength is preventing her from controlling me as she is want to do.
But now I have the choice to make, probably sometime this year. I have met someone and he may or may not be "the one". If he is, and we progress with a relationship, it is not at all fair to him to keep him hidden. But I really do fear what this will do to my mom. It will tear our family apart. The point of the lengthy story is that I do know where you are coming from. You have got to follow your heart or you will live to regret it and that is not really living at all. You sound like you are making some great strides forward. I SO understand the fear of telling others and the fear of rejection now. My church, that I don't really attend all that much, would ex-communicate me if they knew. But I will tell you this, the more I am comfortable with who I am, the less I care what others think. I think the same thing will be true for you as well. You need to be comfortable with yourself and love yourself first. The rest will fall into place. I can't promise it will be easy, but I can promise that you will like and respect who you see in the mirror. God bless you -- Shel
I’m 34 and just came out last year. I was in a straight relationship for 12 years; I tried to make it work. My girlfriend said she knew for years and waited for me to find the courage to admit it. I love her very much and we are still best friend. My family loves me and most of my friends stayed.
It was hard and scary, I kept thinking that I made a mistake but couldn’t take it back. My worst enemy was ME. I beat the hell out of me and was pissed that no one was mad. I didn’t get it. At counseling, I realized that it was OK to love me and that I needed to let go of what I thought life was suppose to be like.
My mom cried a lot and we were able to talk about it. She was sad because she thought I would never have kids and she would never be a grandmother (I have two str8 brothers, but whatever) and she was afraid for my safety. I explained to her that I want to find “the one” and have a family. As far as the scared part goes I reminded her that she’s a mother, she will always worry about her kids and that I would be ok.
What she didn’t know is that while I was living a lie I often thought of ending my life. I went as far as having the letter written and my gun out. Sandy found me sitting on the floor in the bedroom crying my eye out. She was scared and angry and I still hid it from her. I refused the let her read the letter and told her I was just sad.
I told her 3 weeks later that I was gay and that I was sorry for the lie. She reminded me that while I was lying I never neglected her or made her feel unimportant. We had great times and I would not trade them for anything. I’m safer being “out” because I no longer hate myself.
After coming out I found an open and affirming community church here in CT; it’s a great place to worship. It felt better being able to hold on to that part of my life, I also got my sister in law to go with me on Sundays; it’s great to have her there with me. Together my friends my family and myself learned how to moved forward and grow.
You have to be strong and remember that you are Worth happiness, regardless of how it looks.
On a side note, I never realized just how protective my 2 brothers can be. When ever someone makes a comment about being gay, their right there. In Connecticut an amendment was brought up to start a Constitutional Convention, it would have allowed Gay marriage to be voted on. My older brother made a sign for his front yard that said “I have a personal stake in this, look hard I bet you do to, and vote NO”. I thought that was really cool, the amendment failed 60% no to 40% yes.
I know this was REALLY LONG, sorry about that, I just hope you realize that it’s never too late to be happy.
George
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