Crashing right into stuff after a two year absense...
I'm almost certain my current relationship is over, with a hard break taking up the month of July (at minimum) with little or no contact. Things really escalated around here when I shared my feelings, and that pains me greatly. I explained that I was feeling like an outsider and not always feeling safe because the rules kept changing and I was always at the receiving end of the changes (you can sleep here this night, but not that night; we'll introduce you like this when these people are present, and like that when those people are listening, etc.)
I was very careful to be factual with my feelings and not angry. The response was, "How dare you be so ungrateful, especially when work is so busy." About my personality: I need to have that environment in which I can explain myself safely, where someone is willing to inquire gently when I seize up (which I did over the weekend). I think this current relationship cannot provide that for me right now. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is bad for me. It's not an indictment of the boyfriend; it is rather a realization that unless some things change, the current format is not a good situation.
So my loneliness kicks in, and I feel like I am being excluded. This is probably the healthiest thing which could happen, but still....
I want to visit a nice, comfortable homes. (Actually, I want to come home to him; I'll never forget walking into this very room in which I am sitting for the first time and hearing the words, "Welcome Home".) I want to go to the Mediterranean on a cruise. I want to hang out with on a Saturday. I want to cuddle up at night. I want to walk around a warm and finely decorated home in an awesome area with two awesome dogs to play with. I want the backing of partnership as I go through a job/career change. Yet, I cannot have it. And honestly, I'm not overly angry about this...more like disappointed. I didn't make the cut. I failed the interview. I wasn't worth the hassle.
I know friends who met 18 years ago, and they lived on different coasts at the time. Within 6 months, they were living together in Philly and have obviously made it work since then. Of the longevity of that relationship, I am truly jealous. I had hoped to have a similar tale, and for a time I saw it happening. But it isn't happening. And it won't be happening.
So this feels like a failure. I feel like a failure. I couldn't keep up and I still feel terribly lonely with all my feelings and doubts
So that's Square One....talk with you a bit later.
