I am a Christian. I am a gay man. Here is chronicle of my symbolic journey west, toward adventure, challenge, mystery and ultimately peace.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

When a break feels like failure


Crashing right into stuff after a two year absense...

I'm almost certain my current relationship is over, with a hard break taking up the month of July (at minimum) with little or no contact. Things really escalated around here when I shared my feelings, and that pains me greatly. I explained that I was feeling like an outsider and not always feeling safe because the rules kept changing and I was always at the receiving end of the changes (you can sleep here this night, but not that night; we'll introduce you like this when these people are present, and like that when those people are listening, etc.)

I was very careful to be factual with my feelings and not angry. The response was, "How dare you be so ungrateful, especially when work is so busy." About my personality: I need to have that environment in which I can explain myself safely, where someone is willing to inquire gently when I seize up (which I did over the weekend). I think this current relationship cannot provide that for me right now. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is bad for me. It's not an indictment of the boyfriend; it is rather a realization that unless some things change, the current format is not a good situation.

So my loneliness kicks in, and I feel like I am being excluded. This is probably the healthiest thing which could happen, but still....

I want to visit a nice, comfortable homes. (Actually, I want to come home to him; I'll never forget walking into this very room in which I am sitting for the first time and hearing the words, "Welcome Home".) I want to go to the Mediterranean on a cruise. I want to hang out with on a Saturday. I want to cuddle up at night. I want to walk around a warm and finely decorated home in an awesome area with two awesome dogs to play with. I want the backing of partnership as I go through a job/career change. Yet, I cannot have it. And honestly, I'm not overly angry about this...more like disappointed. I didn't make the cut. I failed the interview. I wasn't worth the hassle.

I know friends who met 18 years ago, and they lived on different coasts at the time. Within 6 months, they were living together in Philly and have obviously made it work since then. Of the longevity of that relationship, I am truly jealous. I had hoped to have a similar tale, and for a time I saw it happening. But it isn't happening. And it won't be happening.

So this feels like a failure. I feel like a failure. I couldn't keep up and I still feel terribly lonely with all my feelings and doubts I just had lunch with the former boyfriend, and damn it all if I didn't want to grab his hand and kiss him right there in the restaurant and listen to his friendly drawl for as long as he would talk. But it can't happen. And I feel like a failure.

So that's Square One....talk with you a bit later.

1 comment:

Brandon said...

Break ups are always difficult. And I'm sorry for you, because I know how painful that can be. But this break up, or the fact that the relationship just hasn't worked out, doesn't make you a failure. It just means you haven't found that right person to be with yet. If anything, you'd be a failure trying to stay with someone you know you just aren't right being with. But keep hope that the right person for you will come along some day. And, even if they don't come along, be happy just being you. You don't have to be in a relationship with someone to be happy. That's something I learned a year ago after a break up. I can be just as happy with someone as being without them, and I can also be just as unhappy with someone as without them. The trick is to be content with yourself, wherever you are in life or with whomever you are with.

Again, I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out. Keep hope though. :)