I wrestle mightily with the concept of fitting in. My life already seems enough like a puzzle, a great mystery about why this piece is so oddly-shaped or how I will ever make a unified picture out of the pieces I have to work with.Even so, I isolate terribly on the perceived basis that I am not like anyone else. I have been to church only once in the past month, because I do not feel like they would want me there if they all knew the true Journeyman. I am not like them. Friends from the past have faded away, their lives now full of carseats and family vacations to kid-friendly places and needs to 'check with the spouse' before making plans. I am not like them. My dad lives 8 miles from me, but I have not seen him in over six months. I am not like him. I struggle with the gay community too. I think there are several gay bars nearby, but I have never been to one here. There I will find people comfortable with themselves. I am not like them.
So where do I fit in? I just don't see a simple happy answer here. Some might say, "Just be yourself." But I don't like myself, so why would I want to be myself? For now, I'm just the guy who gets up and goes to work, then comes home at night to watch TV, because I often feel like that is the only place I fit in...by myself, where I won't hurt someone else or let them hurt me. Even that is getting old.
[Sigh]
5 comments:
dear journeyman your post so rings of sadness....and i am right on the same page with you there buddy...i still go to church, but if they knew who i really am now i would not be welcome in the door, it work, work about 12 hours a day, come home, go to my room, watch tv, they never ask what i want to watch, so i go to my room and fantasize that i am a truly out gay man living alone, and i like that feeling, i go to the bookstores alot, set and read and have coffee, there i can be gay dave, but then i have to go home...eventually and get drilled about where i have been, why i took so long.....so this is my life as well, perhaps i can help you get through this phase...let me know .....
hey buddy i would love to talk to you more about all this..e mail me
Hey Journeyman!
You've been around long enough to know that you are not alone in the challenge of reconciling spirituality and sexuality, and though I'm tempted to relay my story to you in order to encourage you, I know there is little I could say that would make a difference to you right now in this particular "bend" of your journey.
So, I will do what I can do. Since you are unable to believe in whose you are and who you are, I will do that for you until you're able to do that for yourself. That's the joy of not being on a journey by yourself.
Also, in case you haven't already made that step, to keep yourself safe, make sure that you can recognize when you need the assitance of professional counseling and medical care. That's a lesson that too many of us learn until it is nearly too late.
Peace of Christ, my friend.
I think of a different Jorneyman, your older wiser self who arrives at a resting place some time in the future. What might he say to you today? How might he comfort you, affirm you and validate the sorrow and isolation?
These are questions you will grow to answer. In the meantime, I have no magic word except I hear you and know it is hard, and even though you are not alone, that is not always enough. Thank you for sharing your pain instead of keeping it hidden like other parts of you. One day they shall see how beautiful you are and you shall see it too.
Yeah, i've got no easy answers. I don't feel like I fit either. My buddy/room mate doesn't feel like he fits. My straight friend who I spoke to earlier tonight doesn't feel like she fits.
Do any of us really feel like we fit?
Were we meant to fit?
What if all of us who are extra pieces of one puzzle actually form a completely different puzzle?
Can we actually get to a point where we finally feel like we fit in a puzzle when we are still in that safe little puzzle box?
Keep walking my friend. Keep processing. Keep being as authentic as you can be no matter where it is you find yourself.
Let the questions drive the journey.
((hug))
Post a Comment