Or it is dialogue? I'm never quite sure.
I simply want to say thanks to those of you who read and include such insightful comments. There is incredible wisdom out there in the blogosphere. I'm simply glad to be learning from it.
Typically, I've shied away from responding to comments. But today there was just some neat stuff in the comments section from my last post (which was more an spiritual tantrum complete with emotional vomitting) that I wanted to write about.
Pomoprophet starts by writing about honesty and asking what our church might be like if we were all this honest. I agree that we would all be disgusted. Imagine how many churches could even endure such honesty without ripping apart. Perhaps a different definition of "church" helps here. My best friends, the ones I let on the inside of this ridiculous struggle, are the ones who had ugly problems themselves. There is the married couple who was once headed straight to divorce court, but almost no one knew. There was my friend who told me about his own porn battle. Not that he has licked the problem, but I've looked up to him ever since. There's the girl who was shunned from church because she wasn't a virgin, but really is now living her life as one. We're the outcasts, the collection of people Eric blogs about, the real ones, perhaps even the survivors. I'll march with you anytime; I have to believe Jesus would have too.
eXnihilo encourages me by saying, "Keep your chin up, you're doing fine." To which I say, "right back at all of you, dear readers." I so often fail to see the progress I make, but I would cause you deafness in one ear reminding you that you are OK, that you will make it. What a mess I have so often, but I'm so appreciative that you'll not ignore the disaster but love me in the midst of it. I find God in that kind of love.
And KJ. Dear KJ. How many times have you extended a virtual hug to me? All of you readers--go back and read his comments. Right now. Stop and read them. I'm so glad being gay is more than an erection when provided a certain stimulus. (That's the message I get from the world. And possibly from the traditional church.) It is the ability to fall in love with the someone of the same gender, and I know that has happened to me. It's not something I've discussed much here, and most times those love relationships have ended in excruciating pain. The reasons they ended had little to do with being gay, and more to do with misplaced priorities. I blamed my pain on being gay; perhaps it was just that I was human.
Contining...you are but one evangelical gay boy who finds himself on the cusp of a new thing that the Spirit is breathing. That's an astounding reality. Thank you for a word picture that illustrates it for me, KJ.
Have a happy weekend. I hope to.
3 comments:
Dear Journeyman,
Being Christian and gay is tougher when all we know of "being Christian" is informed and structured by a straight world. Jesus was one who always crossed lines, went to those on the fringes. Today, honey, he would be in a gay bar at a drag show.
Jesus did not call people to be other than they are. He did not try to turn them into the religious model of the day. he called them to be themselves.
I must admit, I am very attracted to porn, to sex, and to all that "gay" stuff. But we know there is more to life, and more to gay than just those things.
I've talked on my blog about my addiction to sex. I am not trying to make judgments on the sexual activities or habits of others, only myself. And when I start with on-line porn, it can be hours later before I come back to reality.
It steals from me; it turns me into someone who is so different from the me I know, or anyone else knows; I've begun to exchange fantasy for reality.
The 12 steps of AA, as adapted for use by sex addicts, and meeting with a group has been a good beginning for me. I recommend it.
Untangling sex addiction and coming out is a tough job. But forget not the God who loves you is the one who is calling you into Truth, your Truth, God's Truth for you, not for everyone else.
Thomas Merton said something like this: "To be born again is not to become someone else, but to become who we are."
Shalom, Joe.
Thanks for the kind words.
In our up and down often lonely walk as GLBT Christians, I've found there are times that i can "carry the water" of faith at times that others can't, and when I can't, others can. I think that as a faith community, we have to do that more often than other faith groups, which really isn't all bad. How silly that often in Evangelical Land, doubt and being "down" is seen as being apart from God. In my experience, those are the times to begin getting ready for a new encounter with the Spirit.
Peace of Christ
Dear Journeyman,
I have been moonlighting your blog for some time now, and so let me peek my head out of the shadows to offer a thought and, I hope, a further encouragement, though there is little I can say beyond what KJ has already said.
Your struggle is not unique - neither with porn nor reconciling your faith and sexuality. Porn is an addiction more ubiquitous than you might know - I used to think that straight guys didn't struggle with it, but I now know how mistaken I was. From experiencem acquaintances, and what I've heard, I would not be surprised if most churchgoers, particularly those under 30, are struggling or have struggled with a pornography addiction.
The problem I have with porn, and with the church's reaction to it, is that the sexual desire itself is not something wrong. It brings us out of ourselves into a state where we can place our emotion and care more wholly in another human being. God created this. It works to the abolishing of selfishness, and it is good. But our typical reaction is to sexual sin is to blame the desire, when in fact we should lament that the desire (to come into union with another) is not only unmet, but has actually been hindered. The image, the vivid and lustful thoughts - these things are phantoms, when our desire is for someone real.
And of course you are not alone in reconciling your faith and sexuality. Many of us, myself included, are on that journey, and it is one fraught with all sorts of perils, not a few of them stemming from the church's attitude toward us. God did not give you desires to have them denied (that you should be an ascetic), but to have them subordinated. The desire for physical pleasure is inherently good, but to be placed under relational intimacy, which is in turn placed under God's headship. All of this is a gift from God, and he does not give bad gifts.
Just from one single, reconciling Christian to another.
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