Big Deal?

I was thinking pretty hard the other day. I was sharing some of my lingering anxiety over my sexuality and my mis-handling of it with a trusted friend. He asked me a revealing question: Did I feel all that anxiety and guilt when I'm surfing porn? And comparitively, did I feel the same anxiety and guilt on the few occasions when I actually experienced closeness with another man? (And I'm not using "closeness" as a ephemism for sex. I truly mean closeness, nothing more.)

I recalled those times when I held a man, or he held me. I remembered how peaceful I felt inside. We could just be close, and quiet. I might gently run my hands over his shoulder, or look into his eyes. Or he would touch his nose to my scruffy beard. Really, just those sugary things that I find amazing about closeness to a man. Maybe closeness would even take the form of a long deep conversation, or of wiping away a large single emotional tear.

All the anxiety I write about here and all the confusion and the unending questions and the analysis. For a few fleeting moments, it would be gone, chased away by the tender care or even the physical warmth of another man.

And as I reflected on those few-and-far-between moments, I wondered why some people seem to stake their lives upon making gay people feel bad. Is it really that big a deal? For me to experience one bit of closeness with another guy? We're not having sex, we're not even kissing. And though I really like this picture, all my clothes and his also are still ON.

We're just enjoying a moment of mutual peace and quiet. At that instant, I'm not clamoring for acceptance or marriage benefits or marching down the street with a bullhorn. I'm simply finding a peaceful spot for myself, and it happens to be with another man. And some want to paint me as the herald of the downfall of America, as the twisted fore-bearer to the Virginia Tech shootings, as the guy with a disgusting lifestyle.

WHAT'S THE BIG DAMN DEAL???

"This" is what you're upset about? This closeness that happens in private. This intimacy where I actually understand what it is to be loved and cared for, where I catch a glimpse of God's tender embrace? And you want to make my life miserable? Call me names? Point at me and laugh? Roll your eyes? Move away? Be silent?

It's the one spot in my life where I find peace. Where my thoughts do not race. Where guilt and fear do not govern my life. Maybe it is a big deal after all, just for different reasons.

On vacation

I'm back. Of course, who knew I was even gone?

I took myself on a vacation (ironically, I went west. Of course, to get home, I had to go east again.) Getting away was good for me. I got some thinking done and made some courageous moves for me. Nothing major, and nothing I feel like diving into here at the moment. But still, I shed some tears, experienced some openness and honesty with myself and some friends and went outside my comfort zone in some major ways. All in all, I am proud of myself. And if you have read this blog for ANY length of time, you know how un-proud of myself I typically am.

There is a lots perking in my mind again. So hopefully I'll take the time to come here and work through some things.

And for whatever reason, there has been a definite uptick in the number of hits on this blog. So no matter what brought you here, welcome. Feel free to walk with me for a while. I typically do not bite, and welcome the company.

Distractions

It's another one of those slop-fest kind of days. I've had so much on my plate lately that I've really been going at full speed for work and school and the like. Not much time to spend on me, which has been good and bad. Good because I get to focus on something other than me. Bad because busy tmes seem so much like a distraction, a balm, almost like a pain-killer to what churns inside me.

I've stayed away from the porn monster for about a week now, and that makes me proud. I would say it makes me happy, but I'm not so sure that's the case. I would LOVE to spend some time looking at some built guys on-line or on a DVD, but I know where that usually puts me, and the frame of mind that I have after looking. So I'm staying away from that for now.

I feel so different. So different from everyone...gay or straight. I have a very hard time accepting love from people around me because I convince myself I am not like them. That I am different, unworthy, or whatever. I know, I know. Someone is reading this and thinking, "Journeyman is at it again, on one of his down days." Even isolating. Yep. I just want to know that I'll come out of some of my confusion whole, and loved by my friends, and loved by God.

What a random post today!

Trouble

Yesterday was not a good day.

I really got down. And when I get down and I'm bored, my on-line trouble roars its fiercest threat and rears its ugly head highest. I started surfing porn again.

I wonder if deep down I either don't believe there is anyone out there for me or if I just feel so alone with my feelings that I medicate them with porn. Some days I just long to experience my sexuality; but I don't have the balls to actually hookup with someone. I even wonder if I should hookup. I mean, at the very least, I would be with someone else instead of taking care of business all alone.

And after the porn, I feel so guilty inside, so gross, so ugly, that I just want to fall asleep and not wake up. I feel so inadequate and unlovely and so certain that I'll be alone. Is it possible I take all those feelings of ugliness and pour them onto my sexual orientation, rather than the inappropriateness of its expression? I mean, maybe I layer all kinds of guilt onto myself for being gay, when really it's just that I don't handle my sexuality in a very healthy way right now. I've been known to mutter to myself, "I wouldn't feel this bad inside if I was straight." Could that be true?

History shows I'll snap out of this funk. But for this moment, I just don't feel so great. I want to be held; I want to be held my someone who loves me and cares for me and may not even say a word until I'm ready. I want him to hold me.