I recalled those times when I held a man, or he held me. I remembered how peaceful I felt inside. We could just be close, and quiet. I might gently run my hands over his shoulder, or look into his eyes. Or he would touch his nose to my scruffy beard. Really, just those sugary things that I find amazing about closeness to a man. Maybe closeness would even take the form of a long deep conversation, or of wiping away a large single emotional tear.All the anxiety I write about here and all the confusion and the unending questions and the analysis. For a few fleeting moments, it would be gone, chased away by the tender care or even the physical warmth of another man.
And as I reflected on those few-and-far-between moments, I wondered why some people seem to stake their lives upon making gay people feel bad. Is it really that big a deal? For me to experience one bit of closeness with another guy? We're not having sex, we're not even kissing. And though I really like this picture, all my clothes and his also are still ON.
We're just enjoying a moment of mutual peace and quiet. At that instant, I'm not clamoring for acceptance or marriage benefits or marching down the street with a bullhorn. I'm simply finding a peaceful spot for myself, and it happens to be with another man. And some want to paint me as the herald of the downfall of America, as the twisted fore-bearer to the Virginia Tech shootings, as the guy with a disgusting lifestyle.
WHAT'S THE BIG DAMN DEAL???
"This" is what you're upset about? This closeness that happens in private. This intimacy where I actually understand what it is to be loved and cared for, where I catch a glimpse of God's tender embrace? And you want to make my life miserable? Call me names? Point at me and laugh? Roll your eyes? Move away? Be silent?
It's the one spot in my life where I find peace. Where my thoughts do not race. Where guilt and fear do not govern my life. Maybe it is a big deal after all, just for different reasons.
10 comments:
Journeyman,
I just have to say how wonderful and touching that post was. We can quibble about things all day long, but in the end the condemnation of homosexuality is the condemnation of how a human being experiences closeness. And the church can be a church of guilt or a church of godly love; all our convictions stem from how we relate to God.
God bless you on your continued journeying.
i am with you here brother, while for years i struggled with the very same thoughts, that just simply being held, holding someone is the most peaceful wonderful feeling, and how i long for that feelng again, but society seems to condemn us for just being who we are. journeyman there is a wonderful web site you should check out, i am a christian and felt for years that i was the big bad sinner, but no more....go to www.truthsetsfree.net and check it out.....this guy justin who put the site together is pretty cool....peace and love brother
dave
Great post. I've had the exact same thoughts many times. You do a wonderful job of describing how confusing it all is.
Wonderful post. Obviously I can relate. The sex is easy to go without when compared to the lack of connectivity. You're a talented writer and I hope you don't mind if I linked to your blog.
Actually, could I mention this post in an upcoming post of mine?
I know what you mean. There are so many times when I get to hold or am held by another guy. It's totally innocent. And most times they don't know I'm gay. I'm just affectionate, and that's the truth; my sexuality doesn't come into it.
And it just makes me happy.
Hi,
May I say something...
Your post really makes me think! The BIG DEAL that you mentioned is actually the grey area where Christians eagerly asseverate their views. I can relate to your thinking regarding the ethical value of that innocent cuddling and enjoying a man's comfort. My question is: 'Do we accept ANYMAN's comfort/cuddle, or do we prefer the comfort and cuddle of a particular man/ type of men?'. I've always been struggling with this question and I've always answered myself honestly: I want a certain type of people if not certain men. And when I receive that comfort, I can't help being turned on! Can you?
In my own opinion, admittedly, no one knows how far/deep the desires of our flesh are. Like Eve, we are all attracted to the forbidden fruit. It is not yet wrong just to look at it, walking near the tree, touching the fruit, or even picking it...but this is where Satan wants us to be: still a saint but as close to failure as possible.
Having said all these, I am even more aware of my own daily struggle. Thank you for sharing! Your posts make their readers live a mile closer to reality!
Maybe its not a big deal. Maybe society just thinks it is and since we've been chosen to be in this society it is the situation we must deal with. When people find it repulsive that is their issue. And I dont believe we should be flaunting it in their faces but as people come to know us on an individual basis those biases tend to diminish.
You are a very talented writer. I stumbled upon your blog at work and quickly had to close my browser window due to the saucier pictures, but they do have a peacefulness to them. I wouldn't say that I was raised in an evangelical home, but I am a Christian, and am slowly coming to terms with some of the same feelings you have so eloquently described. By blog isn't about sexuality, but please feel free to drop by and comment if you like. I just might link to you, too. (BTW, your writing is so good, I get kind of hard!) E-mail me if you like. nmehlan at hotmail dot com.
I'm glad I found you.
I look forward to getting to know you from reading your thoughts. You are a gifted writer in the way you so easily connect to others by allowing us "in" to your journey.
love and grace,
pam
When I was in college a friend of mine took a "human sexuality" course at the University of Maryland. This was back in the 1970s. As a part of the course the students got shown some pretty explicit films, and of course, that attracted a lot of types who couldn't have been less interested in the subject, so long as they got to see dirty movies.
My friend told me something about the day they showed a film about a gay male couple that has stuck with me ever since. He said the dumb jock types in the class could laugh and mock the sex between the men, but became outraged and offended by the scenes of them being affectionate.
I'm 53 years old now, and what I've learned about this struggle is that it really is all about our hearts, not the sex we have. I can't count the number of times I've heard people say they don't have a problem with what we do "behind closed doors" but don't "shove it in our faces." Bear in mind that they're not talking about shoving "what we do behind closed doors" in their faces. Often, they simply mean holding hands...quick little smooches such as lovers often do in public...being openly affectionate.
What sort of person is offended by that? The same sort of person who would want anyone to be ashamed of feeling it for someone else. We're not supposed to love. We're not supposed to have that one spot in in our lives where we can find peace, where our thoughts do not race, where guilt and fear do not govern our lives. Especially where guilt and fear do not govern our lives.
That's a really beautiful photo you posted here. I wish I knew why anyone could want to deny that peace and contentment to another person. I have my ideas on that, but never mind. Yes...it really is all about our hearts.
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