Looks like the furball got stuck, even in spite of KJ's sound advice. I haven't taken the time to process a few things, and I'm heading away for the weekend.
But to those of you who embrace prayer as a part of your life, I would ask for your support. I'm tired, I'm a bit cranky, I do feel stuck, in many many ways.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Wow
Wow! Put something referring ex-gay in the blog and watch what happens! There are some amazing comments from lots of differing perspectives, so thanks for chiming in.
The long weekend got me mulling over a nasty 'furball of thought'. I'm still processing it, but when it comes up, I sense it may not be overly pleasant to look at. Even so, it is my journey, and I find that the more honest I can be here, the more I learn about myself. The journey continues.
The long weekend got me mulling over a nasty 'furball of thought'. I'm still processing it, but when it comes up, I sense it may not be overly pleasant to look at. Even so, it is my journey, and I find that the more honest I can be here, the more I learn about myself. The journey continues.
Monday, May 21, 2007
An Ex-Gay Therapy Badge?
Hello Blog. We haven't talked in a while. But then, you know how things have been for the past two weeks. A lot of happiness, some big milestones accomplished, an unhappy but not-as-bad-as-it-used-to-be couple days and the ever-present lots of thinking.
Today, I'm thinking about ex-gay stuff, and reparative methods in general. I once sought therapy for my attractions, but I could hardly say I was 100% committed to the cause. I did it to make some other people happy, in hopes that they would dislike me less if they knew I had done something to be other than gay. I went about 4 times, and consistently felt like I was being almost herded into saying I liked some guys because they had qualities I did not. That said, my therapist was an extremely nice guy. I have no doubt he was doing what he thought was best, and that he truly cared about me.
Very quickly, I learned the right answers, much like a Sunday school class. I knew the pat things to say to make the therapist happy, to pass the test that I wasn't even taking. I have always been one to get A's, to regurgitate information that I knew would produce a satisfied educator. So ex-gay therapy was sort of interesting, because I had done so much reading on it head of time that I knew what was coming.
And also, I wasn't in a big hurry to be straight. If I really look inside of me, I know that I'd like to wake up next to a man that I love. I want to share life with him, especially the ordinary parts like buying groceries and vacuuming out the car. And then there is simple physical attraction; I just don't have very much interest in the female form. Can I evaluate that a woman is beautiful? Yes. Does a woman's body interest me physically? Not really. I didn't see how therapy was going to change that, nor did I have an absolute self-mandate that I come out straight at any cost. Yes, it would be much more socially comfortable to hold hands with a woman in public and have a typical marriage and family and look the part. Things would be easier, but I didn't want it. I didn't want a physical or romantic relationship with a woman--I never have. I simply want the social comfort of conforming and not being different.
I prayed that God would make me straight, but quite half-heartedly. I wanted to hold a man, and be held by him. I went to therapy, but didn't give it 100% of my effort. I certainly cannot say I did everything in my power to be straight...like so many gay people have said.
Soooo...do I not qualify for the gay Christian club? Am I supposed to go through the experience of the ex-gay and reparative ministries before I have the credentials to be a normally-adjusted gay Christian? What if for once--for one damn time in my life--I decided that I really knew that I am more attracted to men and actually tried to work that out in a Godly way rather than conform once again to what so many in my conservative surroundings would love for me to do? Do I have to have the ex-gay therapy badge to be authentic? Or accepted? Or do I just get to stand up for myself and say "I really don't want to go. It seems a bit silly and unnecessary to me"?
Do I have to prove something to myself? Or can I just trust myself, using the beautiful discerning mind God placed within me?
Today, I'm thinking about ex-gay stuff, and reparative methods in general. I once sought therapy for my attractions, but I could hardly say I was 100% committed to the cause. I did it to make some other people happy, in hopes that they would dislike me less if they knew I had done something to be other than gay. I went about 4 times, and consistently felt like I was being almost herded into saying I liked some guys because they had qualities I did not. That said, my therapist was an extremely nice guy. I have no doubt he was doing what he thought was best, and that he truly cared about me.
Very quickly, I learned the right answers, much like a Sunday school class. I knew the pat things to say to make the therapist happy, to pass the test that I wasn't even taking. I have always been one to get A's, to regurgitate information that I knew would produce a satisfied educator. So ex-gay therapy was sort of interesting, because I had done so much reading on it head of time that I knew what was coming.
And also, I wasn't in a big hurry to be straight. If I really look inside of me, I know that I'd like to wake up next to a man that I love. I want to share life with him, especially the ordinary parts like buying groceries and vacuuming out the car. And then there is simple physical attraction; I just don't have very much interest in the female form. Can I evaluate that a woman is beautiful? Yes. Does a woman's body interest me physically? Not really. I didn't see how therapy was going to change that, nor did I have an absolute self-mandate that I come out straight at any cost. Yes, it would be much more socially comfortable to hold hands with a woman in public and have a typical marriage and family and look the part. Things would be easier, but I didn't want it. I didn't want a physical or romantic relationship with a woman--I never have. I simply want the social comfort of conforming and not being different.
I prayed that God would make me straight, but quite half-heartedly. I wanted to hold a man, and be held by him. I went to therapy, but didn't give it 100% of my effort. I certainly cannot say I did everything in my power to be straight...like so many gay people have said.
Soooo...do I not qualify for the gay Christian club? Am I supposed to go through the experience of the ex-gay and reparative ministries before I have the credentials to be a normally-adjusted gay Christian? What if for once--for one damn time in my life--I decided that I really knew that I am more attracted to men and actually tried to work that out in a Godly way rather than conform once again to what so many in my conservative surroundings would love for me to do? Do I have to have the ex-gay therapy badge to be authentic? Or accepted? Or do I just get to stand up for myself and say "I really don't want to go. It seems a bit silly and unnecessary to me"?
Do I have to prove something to myself? Or can I just trust myself, using the beautiful discerning mind God placed within me?
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Chemistry
I saw this ad on TV a couple nights ago and laughed so hard I nearly fell onto the floor.
Of course, I know nothing of the website it promotes, but what a funny concept.
Of course, I know nothing of the website it promotes, but what a funny concept.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Odds and Ends
I have been quite hunkered down in work and school lately, so my time has been limited. (Note: I'd like to say I'm quite the hunk, but that would be oh-so misleading.)I simply want to say thanks to the many many people who stop by here from time to time and leave comments. They really do mean something special to me. To think that you took time to browse, read and write really astounds me. And I appreciate the encouragement.
I am just me, writing my thoughts down more for me than for any reader, but glad to have you along for this goofy journey.
Blessings, my friend. Have a great weekend.
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