Without fanfare, or an outline, or even a sense of where this post will end up, here are my thoughts today.
There have been several times over the past few weeks that I have questioned everything.
Maybe I'm not even gay. Maybe I just like pictures of guys, and wish I had a body like theirs. Yeah, I would love to work outside without a shirt, but I can't put my friends or neighbors through that!! LOL Maybe if I quit surfing gay porn and jacked off to something "straighter," I would be different. Maybe if I actually wanted to be with a guy, then I wouldn't be the sexual novice I am today. Maybe if I knew which rug really could bring together all the colors of a room, then I would fit the mold a little better.
Besides, the load of being gay just seems like too much to bear. Maybe I am gay, but honestly, the crazyness that being gay brings with it is enough to push me right back into the closet. I don't want to get lambasted by John Hagee or James Dobson or somebody with a sign. I don't want to endure any more lectures from long-time friends who, immediately after giving me said lecture about how wrong it is to be gay, then won't talk to me at all. I don't want to be the weird sheep of the extended family who just keeps getting older but hasn't ever had a girlfriend. I don't want to be alone, knowing that my thoughts and lack of self-confidence put me into a prison that I wouldn't want to put anyone special through the trouble of breaking into.
Then today, I stumbled onto an interesting website from Joe Kort called Straight Guise. After looking around, I have a lot of respect for Joe and his writing style appeals to me. Even so, now I figure I fall into one of these categories of a straight guy who thinks he is gay for some other reason. It reset my whole damn mind. It's not Joe's fault; it is simply me being me.
Then again, put a picture of Salma Hayek in front of me, and I'll probably show a bit of interest and evaluate that she is beautiful. Show me a picture of Nick Lachey and you'll have my attention. (Isn't it obvious? Salma only gets a link; Nick gets a picture.) Yet I don't find myself drooling all over myself hoping to have wild jungle sex with a cute or hot guy. I just find them attractive.
(Complete tangent: I wonder how many times a mention of John Hagee and a shirtless picture of Nick Lachey have been in the same blog post.)
Ultimately, I'm tired of the uncertainty. And it seems like the very presence of uncertainty should be a pretty good sign that I'm not gay. After all, aren't most gay guys pretty certain they are gay. I mean, there's not a lot of doubt on this point, right? So why why why do I run around in circles and isolate myself and continually get stuck here? I know some of you readers have been through this with me before, and some of you are rolling your eyes because I'm back in this spot again. Just bear with me, OK? Thanks.
7 comments:
And it seems like the very presence of uncertainty should be a pretty good sign that I'm not gay.
I'm not sure I buy that all. I think most of us are uncertain at one time or another.
Of course, I'm not saying this to convince you that you're gay. I'm just trying to reassure you that gay or straight, uncertainly is both normal and okay.
It sounds like maybe you just need to work on being comfortable with YOU no matter what....just give it over and say "come what may" and keep going. Trust. In my own times of uncertainty, and there have been MANY, I've discovered that this is exactly the place God likes me...because then I'm forced to rely on him. It's pretty freeing, actually.
Maybe you just think too much. I only recognize it in others because it's such a big issue for me. ;)
It seems to me like you have a great deal of fear. Fear of what it would mean to be gay. Fear of what it would mean to be straight. Fear of what people would say. Fear of how people will react. Fear of what your life will look like.
I don't say these things to say 'you must be gay' or anything else. But I say this because it concerns me that you are so afraid. May I suggest that these things are not from God? There are many things that we cannot change in life - other people's thoughts and actions being one of them. But God is supposed to be a God of peace. Honestly, I don't think anyone reaches a place where they have all the answers and no uncertainty about anything. It is resting in the grace that brings us peace that, for the Christian, makes life livable.
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship." (Rom 8:15)
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)
I think you need to accept yourself for the feelings you have, for the way you are and not live in so much fear.
It would seem like a life of misery to be living so fearfully.
Grow where God has planted you and you will be a lot happier ... just my thoughts.
I really agree with David, when he quotes God's word...
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship." (Rom 8:15)
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)
I can't know where your journey will lead, but I know my own. And, I see parallels, for what it's worth.
I struggled with exactly the same kind of feelings: I would see men to whom I was physically attracted but the inner thought was much more "I want to be him, or like him, or look like him." It wasn't about thoughts of sex.
I never could figure it out. If I were gay, should I not be fantasizing about sex with him? Shouldn't I be undressing him in my mind? But I wasn't.
I spent SO many years convincing myself I was NOT gay. Throw in a dash of sexual addiction, and what a combo!
I had really separated sex and intimacy; Attraction and affection. I hated my body and my very self; I hated that I was attracted to men. I hated the sex I'd had with men, always fast, anonymous, and dangerous.
And for some reason, no matter how much I tried to tell God to get lost through my behavior and my prayers, God would not leave me alone.
To know that God loves me, to know that I can love myself: my body and my spirit; these are tough lessons. To begin to reconnect affection and attraction; to understand that being gay is much deeper and broader than just "sex;" these are long lessons.
Honey, it's taken me 30 years or more. Married, children, career, and decades of misery within my soul. Now, finally, at 51, I'm getting started.
It's never too late. Misery IS optional. But the journey is tough, any way you go. Go with the path that includes loving and accepting yourself and God' love. If you are hating yourself, it's not God's path.
Shalom.
Hey, we're a patient lot! Some of us spent many years trying to believe what was true about us was not. Go figure! We're great at keeping secrets too!
I would echo everything that others have already contributed.
As I think I've written here before, being gay is more than a same-gendered sexual attraction, but is also the ability, the gift, of living authentically without the burden of "mask wearing" and the ability to love the same-gendered other. I do not know where you are in the process of "mask removal", but if you are carrying the burden of having to be a different person depending on where you are at any given time or have no community where you can be authentically yourself, you will likely find yourself in the same place time and time again.
Go west, young man! :-) While I don't think that necessarily means an "outing" of all GLBT individuals, I think that it does require accepting God's creation of oneself.
Peace of Christ
Trust me I know how you feel. No one is rolling their eyes at you. You take all the time you need to work this out and you can keep going in a circle until you feel comfortable to open the door that will lead you out. Don't be fooled by the media, yes some people knew and burst onto the gay scene but there are a lot of others that took years to figure out and accept themselves, I think confusion in gay people is a lot more common than you think. Take care.
Steven.
Post a Comment