It's been bad lately. Really bad. I want to surrender.I would guess I have some form of Seasonal Affective Disorder, since I get really cranky and depressed each year as the days get shorter. Or perhaps I am just allergic to cold and snow, which would be a bad thing considering where I live. For the past six weeks, it has taken all my energy to get out of bed in the morning, show up for work and eat.
My self-esteem is back in the crapper. That statement, of course, presumes that my self-esteem must have left the crapper at some point. Given what I know about me, I just truly cannot imagine why anyone would think anything of me. Even on Thanksgiving, I pulled back from virtually everyone I know, because I would rather not tarnish anyone's Thanksgiving with my toxic presence. If I had my choice, I would hang out at home quietly today alone, hands occupied by some leftover ham pizza and a TV remote.
This pointless essay about self-pity could go on and on. Enough!! I will spare you the whole thing; you all know how the rest goes anyway. At this moment, this early moment on Thanksgiving morning, I am thankful for this group of people who have come by here looking for me. This band of men and women I have never met who kept asking where I had gone. I'm still trudging. Perhaps someday I can trade my white flag of surrender for a flag of pride. But not yet.
6 comments:
I'm praying for you.
Much love and grace,
pam
Journeyman,
You seemed to describe the exact way I've been feeling here lately. Hang in there. Things will eventually get better. Just keep believing in that.
God bless ya.
Brandon
I am so sorry to hear this, Journeyman. I think in time you may cease your surrender, and find that pride is not always its opposite.
Blessings, brother, you are dearly loved by Christ.
-David
love and hugs to you buddy......you can't say you don't know why people would think anything of you.....you don't know, i know you are a giving,caring loving person who has alot of frustration and hurt built up inside, and you need to just let it out.......i have a shoulder and a good ear, you are always right on with words of comfort for me, let me be there for you........Lord knows its good to have someone to worry and care about beside pity poor dave..i am here ...email me gymguy345@hotmail.com if you want to talk
Hey, buddy, you got my prayers, too. Don't isolate. Yes, it feels like what you want, but being with others can help remind us that we ARE connected with one another. Try to get out of yourself and your own head.
You're worth it to us, be worth it to you.
Many of us have been there -- many times. Is it helpful to know that though you may feel this way right now, does not mean you will feel that way tomorrow?
Of course, the natural inclination is to withdraw, but that then removes us from the blessing of "incarnational" ministry of others, so be sure you don' eliminate all opportunities to intersect with the journeys of others.
And of course, if you need help, don't be afraid to seek it out. I write this knowing that is is much easier said than done.
Peace of Christ.
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