I am a Christian. I am a gay man. Here is chronicle of my symbolic journey west, toward adventure, challenge, mystery and ultimately peace.

Monday, February 11, 2008

God of the Impossible

Hopefully, I’ll be back for a little bit now. Hopefully. The journey got a little crazy there for a while, and I actually expect a few more hiccups shortly. But for the meantime, I am back. Sorry I was gone so long, almost as long as the wait on hold when I need service on my cable TV.

I declare myself to be a Christian, but I’m not so sure any more. Yes, I believe there is a God. And yes, I believe I am not God. For which you should all be thankful. I cannot even keep my own life in order; I don’t want to be in charge of all of humanity. Not today, anyhow. I spend almost no time reading the Bible. I pray, but it is half-hearted at best, and even then usually at the request of someone else. I go to church…sometimes…but less recently. Does God even want me anymore? I certainly haven’t given Him the time of day lately. Of course, I doubt God needs me to give him the time, as if he is a pedestrian racing down the sidewalk without a watch. Time spent with God is not all that important to me.

It has created a crisis of faith for me, because I know how to be compliant. I know what is expected of me. The Sunday school answers roll off my tongue, as do the happy little sayings that Christians are supposed to put on the changeable sign out front and say in church and to each other. You know...

“Seven days without prayer makes one weak.”

“God never promised an easy journey.”

“What a service. God really showed up.”

Let me back up. I know some people who say those things and have a heart of honesty and genuine care for the people in their lives which they love. I hope not to be mocking Christianity with this post. For me right now, however, those phrases seem disingenuous for me to be using. I really do not think I have followed Christ very well lately, nor have I earned the right to say such things.

I have stayed away from God because I figure I am a colossal disappointment in his eyes, and if I back away, then he won’t have to push me away. I can spare God the trouble. Besides, a lot of television preachers (and for as distant as I feel from God, I sure watch a lot of television preachers) say things like, “God can’t use you if you aren’t speaking to him,” or “God cannot hear your prayer if you are sinning.” I wonder if anyone told Paul that while he was killing Christians. Next thing you know, God blinded him, talked to him, and set him on course to be the writer of a significant portion of the New Testament.

Perhaps part of why I have walked away is because I am scared of what God might expect of me. Buried deep deep down in me is this sense that talking with God will require me to do or be something impossible, something I will most likely fail at. God will ask the impossible of me. Oh, I know what comes here: Another catchy church phrase about how God specializes in the impossible or that God will not give me more than I can handle. I get it. I really do. But if God asks the impossible of me, and I cannot do it, then how could he possibly be happy with me?

Could God ask me to give more money? Maybe to watch more television ministries if preachers in fancy buildings who say God wants my money. Perhaps I will have to come out as gay. Or become accountable to some people in my church. Or be straight.

I already feel like a disappointment to most everyone around me, God included. Why would I want to try something else and fail at that too? Why would I want God even more mad at me? According to a lot of folks, God already burns in anger over my physical attraction to guys. Then fine, He can just be mad. He can boo me just like the evangelicals boo John McCain. At least then I will not be living under the illusion that I follow him anymore or fit into the expected mold of some of his most fervant followers.

I’m scared. Scared of God. Scared of the impossible. For all my attempts at authenticity here on this blog, I am no longer authentic before God. Based on what I have witnessed of some of his followers, I’m not so sure I care. And that frightens me all the more.

6 comments:

Jarred said...

I can remembering feeling a lot like this, myself.

I pray you find your answers and the hope you deserve.

Vic Mansfield said...

I know how you feel. really. Been there, live there still, sometimes.

Jesus came walking on the water, and the disciples were rowing against the wind. The saw him and were afraid. He did not say "Row harder", he did not say "you're not doing a good enough job".

Jesus said "Fear not. It is I."

Let him love you. That's what he wants, and that's what we fear.

Go easy with yourself. God is not the god you've imagined. It's all about love. really. It is NOT what the tv preachers talk about. It's about Love.

grace said...

I've been feeling ALOT like this lately. I haven't even tried finding a church in my new town. But...I keep getting in these email chains and then all this political stuff gets passed around....from the "church folk" in town...and I realize that they'd mostly think I'm doomed and worshiping the anti-christ because i'm going to vote for a Democrat for president. *sigh*

I consider it a season. It's a season and it will pass eventually. ...and it really has nothing to do with how God feels about me and it only affects how I feel about him if I allow it to.

Keep up the good fight. You're still in it or you wouldn't even bother worrying about it.

much love and grace to you,
pam

Brendon said...

Oh, Journeyman. God loves you more than you could ever possibly imagine. Don't you know that? God doesn't expect miracles out of you. He accepts you, lovingly and compassionately right where you are in life, just as you are. The only time God could ever possibly be disappointed with you is when you (YOU) push Him out of your life and reject Him.

You're not a failure in God's eyes. All God ever asks of any of us is to love Him, to have faith in Him, and to TRY not to sin. That's it. He doesn't give up on you though or hate you or reject you if you fall sometimes. He'll never turn you away. And He never expects the impossible out of you--just your best (and if your best is anything like mine, it's far from perfect).

Just think for a moment of whatever it is you love the most in the whole world. Know that God loves you infinitely times more than that, and He'll never stop loving you.

Don't lose hope, man. I'm praying for you.

Brandon

Dave said...

Hey man, I've not read much of your blog but that doesn't matter.

You are NOT a disappointment to God. He loves you, He wants the best for you, but you can't disappoint Him. He know how powerless we are in our own lives so He sent His Son to die so that we could be washed clean. When God sees you, He sees you through Christ. He only sees the good. Don't beat yourself up. Try to find Your first love again. I know this journey is a long and difficult one, but it is one you can complete with God.

I hope this is an encouragement and not just meaningless words or 'Christianese'. Bless you man,

Dave

Joy said...

I don't even know how to introduce myself. I guess I just relate a lot to you. I live with a my sister and her husband, a Baptist minister, in the heart of Southern suburbia. Last fall I had a "crisis of faith" after kind of wandering--without any willful declaration against Him--from God.

My sister and bro-in-law were surprisingly supportive when I finally "came clean" to them about my struggle to believe, but after I went through a twelve-week course and came to trust the Gospel again and that God existed and Jesus was divine, they stopped asking me about it at all. I still make my mom uncomfortable with some of my opinions on things that conservative Christians tie together (i.e. George Bush and faith, or critical thinking in general), but I don't know how to "fix" things.

What I want more than anything is the faith I had as a teen, the faith that repaired the effects of a devastating personal tragedy and made me a better person. I'm holding onto my faith, but I have yet to let go in that complete way those you speak of describe: where you are in constant contact with the Lord, actually secure in His love for you, and not anxious or conflicted anymore.

Can you imagine that place? I'm okay, day to day, but I'm not fulfilled. I think you feel this struggle too. How I wish, like you, that I could put all my battles to rest and just trust and believe Him again. Y'know, the God who isn't waiting with a gavel to smash us for hurting or questioning, but who actually loves us in a way that frees us, that changes us for the better...

Anyways, sorry for rambling--but thank you for your honesty. Here, two months later, I feel you.