I feel like one of those kids who begged and pleaded and groveled for a goldfish and promised to take care of it and love it and feed it daily and clean the tank and
and
and
...then it dies.
It hasn't been for lack of things to write about that I have been away. My mind is clipping right along sorting through every imaginable thing to think about. The thought process I am dealing with now goes more like this: Perhaps if I just resign myself to my plain existence where I eat, sleep and work, then I will no longer be disappointed in myself. Quit trying to make sense of it. Quit trying to work it out. Quit hurting other people. Just quit.
It is a dismal feeling, but one I cannot stuff back into the tube from which it escaped. And for better or worse, I am growing ever more OK with the idea of just eeking out an existence rather than truly living.
I read other blogs, and I am so excited for what I see there. For guys working this out, and getting better, and learning more about themselves. I am not so sure I am making similar progress, and that gets me down all the more.
I spent a *lot* of time alone now, a *lot*. I spent my birthday alone; I spent Easter alone. And as much as I know some of your are pounding your hand against your mouse shouting, "Then get out and meet some people and do something about it," I also know that being around other people really wears me out. I'm an introvert to the core.
So for now I'm stuck. I hope it passes; I really do. But for now, I'm just plain stuck.
5 comments:
I feel your pain. I'm an introvert too. I don't do well with people and small talk. I spend birthdays and holidays alone too. I have a choice and this is it so I don't mind. I've adapted.
Best wishes.
Its tough to watch and see you in such a difficult place. But theres not really anything any of us can do. For me its taken 7 years to get to a place where I am just finally being ok with embracing my sexuality. And now its so freeing. I'm not longer as stressed or depressed as I once was.
Thats not saying you have to accept yourself as gay. You can do whatever you want. Just sharing my journey :)
Hey Journeyman,
I am so sorry to hear that life has been difficult for you. Sorry for the amature diagnosis, but this sounds like some depression. There are people and meds that can help that. For me, "Better living through chemistry" is a motto I can LIVE with!
Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
First of all, I'm with Benton. It may be time to talk to some people with letters behind their names to explore whether you're clinically depressed and need some help in that area.
My next comment is that you say that you're an introvert. By definition, this means that spending time by yourself is how you actually "recharge your batteries so to speak." But it sounds to me like your alone time isn't accomplishing this, so it's time to look at why and what can be done about it.
Again, considering Benton's comments about depression and getting help for that is definitely a step in the right direction. Another thing I'd recommend, however, is considering how you can make that alone time more enjoyable and gratifying for yourself. I don't really how you'd go about doing that, because that's a matter of your personal tastes. But it's my experiences that we introverts are not as concerned about how much time we spend alone if we find that time alone to be a positive and uplifting experience for ourselves.
Speaking as a fellow introvert, I will say that by treating myself better and making my alone time special to me, I was much better equipped to tackle "getting out there" when I decided it was time to do so.
You're not alone, Journey Man. However you feel, whatever you do, no matter what, God will always be right there beside of you. He loves you so much.
And you have others, myself included, who are willing to walk alongside of you in your struggles. I'm praying for you. And if you ever need to talk, feel free to write to me. But don't struggle alone. Let people into your life. I'm also an introvert. I literally used to have NO friends and spent all my time by myself, and I was so lonely and upset I couldn't stand it. But the last couple of years or so I've been trying to change that and allow people into my life, and it's made such a huge difference. I have friends now. I have people who love me, encourage me, spend time with me, teach me, pray for me, and so much more. And it is hard making friends. It takes a lot out of me to do that. But believe me, it is so worth it.
I'm praying for you, man. And I hope and wish the very best for you. Remember that God is always there for you. All you have to do is look beside you and realize He's there.
God bless,
Brandon
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