I am a Christian. I am a gay man. Here is chronicle of my symbolic journey west, toward adventure, challenge, mystery and ultimately peace.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Noodling

What to do? What to do?

The relationship with "the guys" continues to be a
crazy experience. I so enjoy their company, but at some point I am going to wake up to the obvious realization that I am putting WAY too much energy into a sinking ship here.

I can see the pattern for myself: they sort of do what they please, on their schedule, and I take what I can get. Now I don't mean this in a mean way. They are not malicious, at least not purposefully.

But the pattern is clea
r: I love the time I get with them. I love every minute. I find myself counting down days and hours and minutes until we have some time together. It's right next to insane. And here's the really crazy part: I suspect they do the very same thing.

And yet, our actions toward each other don't support the anticipation. For example, they recently took a vacation of their own, without me. Any time their schedule presents a conflict for us, I lose out on the time together. We get to be one group of 3 people sharing life when we are in private, another group when trusted friends are around, and another group altogether when others are around. It's not fair; someday my mind and heart will BOTH accept that.

These are guys who routinely move heaven and earth to remove obstacles. They rarely let circumstances get the best of them; it just does not happen. I watched us back when we began to fall in love; on a whim, they called to say they missed me and would travel back to my town the very next weekend to see me.

I had a huge event last fall for which I had been preparing for months, and it all culminated in a big event several states over. I found out two weeks ahead that they had made preparations to be there, and to support not only me but many of my friends too.

But circumstances got the best of us; barriers exist that prevent us from ever being a polyamorous triad. I do not happen to understand those barriers because I view them as rather selfish, especially given the promises we all made to one another to journey together. But we won't be a family, and that breaks my heart over...

and over...

and over...

and over...

and over.

So I have been noodling on what I do next. What is best for the Journeyman?

I have no fucking idea.

On one side of the aisle is my conviction that I stick with this in the incredibly slim hopes this could come back together. But months after "the breakup," I am best served by giving up those hopes. So then what?

Be friends, or part ways altogether?

I realize that I absolutely love them, singly and together. I realize that I love myself when I am with them. I realize that I am having an awful time making plans for a life without them as partners.

Being friends sounds so nice and sanitary. Yet I cringed this week when I visited them and I spent the night in a guest bedroom. I hated it. And not because I needed wild rock-star sex. I just wanted to be close--or closer--than I was allowed to be.

I want more than this relationship can sustain, and being near them is so much harder than I expected. I keep seeing myself as part of their world, and I am almost certain they do not see it that way. They are moving on; I am not.

So what's best? Moving on completely? Breaking all ties? It brings me almost to tears just to consider it.

Yet how will my heart learn that those two aren't family unless I kill the relationship completely?

2 comments:

Brandon said...

I hope this doesn't sound unkind, because it's not my intention to be unkind, but maybe what you've experienced through this relationship is the fulfillment of the old saying, "three's a crowd."

I honestly couldn't imagine being in a relationship with more than one person at a time. It's hard enough just dealing with one other person's baggage, that to deal with two just seems like it would be an impossibility; at the very least, incredibly hard to pull off.

Maybe you should just move on. Accept that you're still, probably, friends with these other two, but just let it be friends. Get back out there and find someone else who, in him or herself (it could happen), can be completely just yours.

And in the meantime, don't beat yourself up so much. It does suck to fall out of a relationship or just for a relationship to fall apart, but don't put all your eggs into that basket and lose hope that there really could be something better out there for you.

Pray about it.

My heart goes out to you, because I know how much pain comes from a breakup. I really wish the best for you, and for better days to come.

Pomoprophet said...

Thanks for the well wishes. Sorry you're so conflicted. I hope one day you can know peace!