Excess

Here's something off-topic, but it struck me anyway.

Last week during the lead-up to Thanksgiving, I could not watch a news show or listen to the radio without hearing talk of the big Thanksgiving feast, or someone's plans to "wear the stretchy pants" to allow for more food, or how long it would take to clean all those dirty dishes after dinner. Now this week, I heard a religious broadcaster talk about how she had to recover all weekend and Monday too from Thanksgiving and her wonderful meal made by her daughter.

So I thought...what about my fellow journeyers who have no money to buy groceries for a feast? What about those people who had nowhere to go or no one to spend the day with? What about the family that hopes against all hope that their lights won't be shutoff this winter?

On Thanksgiving Day, I heard of a man who went to work the day before and was killed on his way home, leaving a wife and two daughters. That family's biggest concerns are no longer how many scoops of potatoes they can scarf down, but how to even face the day without completely losing it. My heart broke.

I enjoyed a quiet Thanksgiving; but I could not shake the gloom that I know other people in my life face on holidays, or on any day, for that matter. And I could not help but be sad that one face of Thanksgiving is about food and prosperity and football and--well--excess. I'm no innocent by-stander here; I participate in my own forms of excess too. I simply am thankful for a new perspective this holiday season.

Thanksgiving

Wow...I've really let my blog-updating go be the wayside lately. I guess my last few posts were pretty gloomy, so I just distracted myself with other stuff. Unfortunately, that other stuff wasn't so good for me either.

In any case, I'm faring a bit better, and am gearing up for Thanksgiving with the family. It can sometimes be a lot of effort to be around them, but then I stop and consider that I have them around at all. Though they have plenty of reservations about me being gay, they do love me. I am thankful.

Fitting In

I wrestle mightily with the concept of fitting in. My life already seems enough like a puzzle, a great mystery about why this piece is so oddly-shaped or how I will ever make a unified picture out of the pieces I have to work with.

Even so, I isolate terribly on the perceived basis that I am not like anyone else. I have been to church only once in the past month, because I do not feel like they would want me there if they all knew the true Journeyman. I am not like them. Friends from the past have faded away, their lives now full of carseats and family vacations to kid-friendly places and needs to 'check with the spouse' before making plans. I am not like them. My dad lives 8 miles from me, but I have not seen him in over six months. I am not like him. I struggle with the gay community too. I think there are several gay bars nearby, but I have never been to one here. There I will find people comfortable with themselves. I am not like them.

So where do I fit in? I just don't see a simple happy answer here. Some might say, "Just be yourself." But I don't like myself, so why would I want to be myself? For now, I'm just the guy who gets up and goes to work, then comes home at night to watch TV, because I often feel like that is the only place I fit in...by myself, where I won't hurt someone else or let them hurt me. Even that is getting old.

[Sigh]

Bad Day

A had a pretty awful weekend. Depression reached up unexpectedly and just pummelled me all weekend long. This video pretty much captures how I felt, especially the hamster at around 2:00.

Not that I wish anyone in this video any ill will, but I do find some comfort in being able to laugh at this video. That poor hamster!

Confidence

I've heard so many people say something like this after coming out: "I just had to quit caring what everyone else thought of me and be myself."


Great! So what happens when you don't believe in yourself? And you never have? What happens when you honestly cannot remember even one day when you thought, "I'm a damn good guy!" What happens when you do not have any confidence in yourself, yet you are wrestling by the one comtemporary issue which makes people go ballistic? Reality is that I do care what everyone else thinks. And the reason that I care is that if I honestly confront what I think of myself, it's ugly.

So where does self-confidence come from? Is there a tree I can pick it from? Do I buy it in a can at Home Depot? Some might say self-confidence comes from Jesus. And while I do believe that to be true, I also find such a response to be a bit too simplistic. I know Jesus; He knows me. He probably even likes me, but He is not here in a physical way to tell me that. He does not wipe away my quiet tears at night. And there are plenty of people claiming to be his representative who come into my life only to harp about how upside-down I must be for prefering men over women. Or for attending the 'wrong' church. Or for not praying enough. Or, my personal favorite, for not sowing enough seed into their ministry.

This is not a ploy to solicit comments about what a nice person I probably am. I'm tempted to not even allow comments on this post specifically to prevent that. I guess I'm just wondering today how I'm supposed to get that confidence and personal belief in myself. Just about everyone who has met me picks up very quickly that I am very hard on myself and that I put myself down frequently. So much so that sometimes I wonder if that is just a part of who I am, a guy with no self-confidence. And yet, I can find hope and excitement and worth in anyone else's journey.

I believed in other people when no one else would. Now if I could just learn how to believe in myself. That task could be far harder than anything else I've faced on my journey.

An Unlikely Philosopher

I watched this and I proceeded to cry. To me, Kermit the Frog has always been a wise philosopher.



Someday I'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The Lovers, the Dreamers, and me.

Rest

I've been off the blog for a while. I have been tired. I sure seem to be sleeping a lot lately. These shorter days, now bringing darkness an hour earlier, just do not sit well with me.

However, the great news is that my sleep has been much more peaceful lately than it has been for a long time. I tend to climb into bed around the same time each night--far earlier than my friends think I should for a guy my age--and then sleep soundly for a good long while. Fewer panicky middle-of-the-night awakenings. Fewer restless nights laying in bed wondering if I will ever fall asleep. Fewer thoughts scrambling around the blender.

Quite some time ago I told a trusted companion that I could manage to get sleep, but that I really longed for rest. For the first time since I seriously engaged this journey of mine, I am beginning to experience rest. I have unpacked an incredible amount of my story over the past several months. A couple friends told me this week that they now sensed hope in me, and that even 12 months ago they were very very worried about my attitude and demeanor. They like seeing my smile, and I like seeing it too.

Now if I could just see this guy when I wake up in the morning. =) For now, that isn't happening. But it is fun to dream, especially while I rest.