Like a blender

My thoughts over the past two years have been nothing short of a blender on one of those high settings like 'Puree' or 'Pulverize'. It just seems as if I've come so far, yet my thoughts and feelings bounce around inside my head and will not stop. That's why I'm here, scribbling my ideas on a blog. If you're reading along, great. But really, this is for me. It's my spot to jot down some thoughts in hopes of finding peace.

Will I find peace between being gay and being Christian? Should I go participate in the local Exodus group? Will I find a partner? Can I be comfortable in my own skin, gay or not? Will that pillow I clutch every single evening while I dream of gently holding a man, his skin next to my own, ever be more than a pillow? Does my family accept me like this? Can I really set foot in my church with feelings like I have? Will my friends consider me second-class because I don't fit their mold or follow the well-worn script they have been through of finding a spouse, settling down, having children, and discussing which baby monitor is really the best?

For as long as I can recall, I knew I was different. For only the past two years, I have discovered why. Male forms, male companions, male smells, male touches. I simply prefer that over a female. Does that make me gay? It is a question that to many seems so basic and obvious; it is a question I have wrestled with for two years now. Before that, I just ignored the issue altogether. Honestly. I figured all guys did double-takes at beautiful men in board shorts at the beach. But once my princess walked into my life, once I courted the woman of my dreams, my preoccupation with men would fade away and I'd become interested in breasts.

Many days it is like being an infant all over again. Having to understand new ground rules that can be so cruel, especially in a conservative part of the country. Wondering if I can ever learn the 'gay game' well enough to play it...terrifying. So for now I just hope I can come out on the other side as a more whole man. But for now, I'm just trying to keep up with the blender.