I know I'm down again, because I'm eating terribly. Last night I ate a third of a loaf of garlic bread. That's it. Skipped breakfast; Skipped lunch; ate a hunk of garlic bread for dinner.
Now I am still celebrating my small victory involving coming out to my friend, and I still delight in knowing I'm just one more tiny step out of the closet. Even so, I sometimes get so down on myself. And one of my sure signs of being down on myself is not feeding myself well. Perhaps it's like a punishment I dish out to myself. Today, I haven't eaten breakfast or lunch.
Yesterday a friend sent me a lengthy text message. It actually arrived in 4 separate texts because it was so long. And in that text message, he explained how I wasn't a good friend and that I had ripped on him recently and he was going a different direction and that I could talk to him in the future if I ever felt like it. My reaction: Grow some balls and give me a damn phone call if you want to say something like that. I don't deserve to read that in a text message at midnight when I'm sleeping.
So here I am...hungry but really not feeling like eating. Disappointed in myself, because I obviously disappointed someone else. And wondering if it's all because I am a fag.
2 comments:
It is all because life is life, people are people, and sometimes things just seem to be going to hell in a handbasket. Being gay has nothing to do with it,
If your friend dumped you because you are gay, then you have a choice: If this is a good friend, give him time and then approach him later. Remember, you have been dealing with your coming out for a long time. Your friend has just found out so is trying to deal with this new aspect of you. If this is not a good friend, then just go on, live your life, don't spend it waiting for others.
it's too easy to use being gay as a reason (or excuse) for relationships not going well. evaluate your friendship with this person who sent you the text msg with a different lens.
the problems aren't because you are gay. at the very least, maybe your friend feels neglected because you are trying to deal with your own issues about you being gay and so maybe you're not giving your friend attention. but it's not because your gay. you could just as well be dealing with some other kind of issue and things between the two of you could still be rocky.
if you value the friendship, invest in mending it. the journey is no fun alone.
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