I'm at it again, administering my own regular mental beatings. I just don't understand myself very well, I guess. Most of me wants to just crawl into bed tonight and never wake up. The whole "Am I gay?" question has reared its ugly head again.
I spend way too much time on the Internet, looking at porn sites or accessing chat programs. That is basically the current extent of my sexuality. Sitting at a keyboard, finding attractive or muscular men, and masturbating to it. Yet there are so few real life people that I am physically or emotionally attracted to. I wonder if I could be a straight guy who likes gay porn. Or an asexual guy who doesn't want a relationship but turns to the Internet? Or a gay guy who is so hopelessly down on himself that he is certain there is no relationship of any sort in his future, ever. Is it possible to be attracted just to pictures, but not necessarily to real life guys?
To make matters even worse, I went to the bookstore today. I pulled a straight illustrated How-To-Have-Great-Sex type of book off the shelf and paged through it. I got aroused. I put it back. I then found a similar How-To-Have-Great-Gay-Sex type of book. I got aroused, but not as much. I put it back. I drove home in a fog, almost trembling. What the hell is wrong with me?
I actually do not get very much enjoyment out of seeing a naked woman. Or was it the guy in the sex book I was attracted too? Or just the basic intimacy of two people, no matter their gender?
AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate this. I hate my life. I hate my confusion.
How can I one day post about him and then three days later say, "I don't even know if I'm gay"? Or "Maybe I just like gay pictures, but not gay guys"? And why do I keep returning to my little computer in search of guys to chat with and have a sexual experience with? Please help me. I'm slipping away.
I know I'm new to the blog-o-sphere. And I know I'm writing more for myself than for input, but I'm asking for a bit of input this time. Does your own journey hold some advice or wisdom for me?
4 comments:
Hi...I've have been reading your blog (09.06.06) and first of all let me encourage you not to beat yourself up.
First of all, if you are gay..so what? Can you change the color of your eyes, because they are blue? Can you become taller because you are short? Can you do this or do that, because you are limited or very talented?
If you are gay, then you are gay. God doesn't make junk. If God had wanted you otherwise, He would have created you otherwise.
Accept who you are...and learn to live in happiness.
Granted you don't have to spend all day looking at porn - gay or not. Chatting is not bad...it can be good if done with the right person. Don't waste hours on gay.com chatting with guys who get their cookies off and never meet other guys.
If you really want to find a guy, there are ways to do it. Join Yahoo personals male/male or some other reputable gay dating service.
The thing is simply this, accept who you are and make the most of the talents, gifts, abilities that God has given you and accept who you are.
Accept who you are, and you will learn to love yourself much more. If you mope around and hate who you are - then your life will be filled with doom and gloom, and that's no fun.
Life is really good..now pull yourself up by your boxers or briefs and accept life as God has allowed it to be for you.
If you love Christ ( you say your a Christian ) then just be who you are - and you will be so much happier. Once you can accept yourself for who you are, then you can start to begin to live the life that God has given you.
Don't sell yourself short.
Have a great day and remember to smile. Life is good, because your a great person!
Don't ever forget that.
Steve and Warren
Don't sit and jerk off to pictures or movies..that's dumb.
If you get aroused by men or pictures of men - then perhaps you are gay...but that is not bad.
Listen to Warren! He knows what he is talking about.
About the rest, you know who you are. The desire to lable what you are is something that society asks of us. So you like looking at guys, so what? So you like looking at men and women having sex, so what?
You are on a journey, that means movement. You will find yourself in different places in your journey. It is not about arriving, it is about getting there. So as difficult as this may sound, enjoy the journey!
Your journey West is leading you to a place of accepting who you are. Don't be afraid of the questions. Rather, embrace them. Let the questions guide your journey.
The journey is life-long, so don't just look for answers. Just keep asking and seeking and looking and exploring. In that process, you'll find that it's your questions that mature and change and grow.
God will continue to reveal more to you along the way - of who He is and of who you are.
Catching up on some back entries here. I think human sexuality runs on a spectrum - it's not black and white. There's a whole range of possibilities out there; as my friend Shannon used to say "normal is just a setting on your dryer."
I wouldn't try to overanalyze it. I'd just approach it with gentle wonder and awe. :)
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