What an unexpected moment over the weekend. I cracked the closet door open just a bit more. While attending a lecture related to Christians who also are gay by two affirming straight people, I glanced around the room. My eyes just about popped out of my head to see someone I knew, someone from the last church I attended, a church I left when all my homosexual feelings came bubbling to the surface, a church at which I no longer felt welcome.
I figured I could dodge Mary, pretend like I never saw her in the crowd and hide in the restroom for a while until she left. But I reconsidered. Mary was always very kind to me, but hardly someone I would have pegged as gay-friendly. And just to complicate matters a bit, I was her son's youth group leader for his entire high school career. I've always feared the day when news started to spread my old youth group students and parents that I am gay. I assumed most either wouldn't believe me or would regret ever letting their kids near me.
As the event wrapped up, I made a bold decision, to go talk with Mary. I truly did want to greet her. What I was less interested in was the inevitable "Why are you here?" comment. For my entire life, I've let my life happen to me. This night, I planned to take one small bit of control. I would talk to Mary, and very factually explain that I was there for myself. It wasn't my brother I wanted to relate with better. It wasn't a youth group student I needed to understand more fully. It wasn't my 'friend' who came out to me. I was there for myself. And come hell or high water, Mary was about to find out I was gay.
We chit-chatted for a while, and I found out Mary was there with her mother because Mary's brother had come out to them as a gay man a few years ago. They simply sought to understand, to love their brother and son. I then told Mary that I dealt with all this as well. I was in my own process of coming out. Mary was understanding, and for the next 30 minutes was on the verge of tears. I don't know why, but perhaps it was the idea that this issue called homosexuality had come to her family and now to her church. She said, "Journeyman, you are such a man of God. To think you dealt with this alone, while you poured yourself into my kids and set such an example for them...that's incredible, even tremendous."
I wanted to interject what a horrible sinner I was. I wanted to say, "Yeah, Mary, but I look at gay porn. And I don't have much self-control. And I feel like a fraud." But instead I just said, "Thanks, Mary." I just took the compliment as a small blessing from God and quit trying to fight it so badly.
I told Mary that I had left the youth group and her church because I was dealing with my homosexuality. I didn't get pushed out; I left voluntarily. I actually didn't tell anyone why I left until months after I disappeared. She said, "Journeyman, I know you left because you were gay. I don't blame you, given the prevailing attitudes at my church. But someday I pray you are welcomed back, precisely because you are gay. Those students need you; they need to know that whatever they feel inside or who they are attracted to, that God loves them."
I had unexpectedly faced a challenge, and I had taken control and dealt with it honestly and openly. I had found love. I had found God.
4 comments:
As I read your posts and of your coming out journey, I can identify. We find that coming out is not an event, but an ongoing series of events. What is sad is that we have to come out -- our sexuality is no one's business, but because we are "different" we need to explain ourselves. Ah, someday we will all accept one another at face value -- maybe
Isn't it ironic that the original definition of "gay" was, "Having or showing a merry, lively mood."?
There is a reason that Romans 1:26 calls homosexual desire a "degrading passion." It is a lust that destroys the physical body, ruins relationships, and brings perpetual suffering to the soul — and its ultimate end is death (Romans 7:5). Many of your posts evidence all of these characteristics.
Do you not see the supreme contradiction in calling yourself a christian while at the same time setting out on a journey to, of all things, "seek peace"??? Further, while you're off seeking peace, what will become of your Christian witness?
Journeyman, Christ's example NEVER included seeking the acceptance of men, yet your emotional peace of mind appears to hinge on it to a certain extent. As a Christian, you must agree that the time we have here on Earth is only a blip on God's eternal radar, given this fact can you honestly explain how the acceptance (or denial) from anyone but Christ should carry any significance whatsoever?
The truth is that the homosexual lust in your life overturns God’s fundamental design for human relationships — a design that pictures the complementary relationship between a man and a woman (Genesis 2:18-25; Matthew 19:4-6; Ephesians 5:22-33).
Root out this perversion, before it destroys you.
Truth in Love
Nick, thanks for your encouragement. Yes, it can be sad to have to come out. Perhaps sometimes the burden is more than a person should have to carry.
Anonymous, I'm left confused by the comment, as if being a Christian and embarking on a journey seeking peace are mutually exclusive ideas. I hope as I journey, that friends will walk with me for a time, or that I will walk with them. And of course there are times when it is simply Jesus and me, walking quietly together. In those moments, Jesus expresses his love for me, and I accept it.
Anonymous, if you're going to say what you think is "truth in love", then at least have the balls to leave your name. Being anonymous is a cop out.
You quote Romans 1:26 but you don't acknowledge the beginning phrase of that verse, which in NIV says, "Because of this . . ." What's the "this" that he's referring to? It's referring to Romans 1:21. Because they knew God but refused to glorify Him or give thanks to Him, God gave them over to shameful lusts. You need to note the "Therefore" in verse 24 and the "Because of this" in verse 26 in order to understand what verse 27 is REFERRING to.
You're not considering the context of the entire passage. The point of Romans 1:18-32 is NOT to define same gender attraction or relationships as a degrading passion. The point is that those who know God but refuse to worship Him will be turned over to their own sinful ways. It is not a commentary about homosexuality. It's saying that the consequences of failing to acknowledge God are broken, unhealthy, and even depraved ways of sexual interaction.
This passage speaks more about the heterosexual person who refuses to worship God but finds himself committing more and more depraved acts - starting with adultery, then maybe a threesome. A heterosexual man having sex with a man is unnatural to him. Both straight and gay people are capable of acting with degrading passion. But it has nothing to do with being straight or gay. It's because of something deeper in their hearts - refusing to worship God.
This passage does not speak about the gay man who worships the Lord and has accepted Jesus as His Savior and gives thanks to Him for the grace given to him and is also in a committed, loving, monogamous, faithful relationship with another man.
You've got this passage ass-backward and you are imposing YOUR OWN interpretation to this verse without considering the context and meaning of the entire Scripture.
This passage does NOT describe Journeyman because he does glorify God and he does give thanks to Him and he does preserve the truth of God that Jesus is the Christ and his personal Savior. Quit judging him as if you know him and his heart.
-Eric
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