Taking a breath

My whirlwind picked right up again yesterday. I could hardly work because my mind was going so fast. I finally got up, walked to the nearby grocery store and sat outside in a cheap plastic green chair in an attempt to let the light wind clear away a few of my scrambled thoughts. Didn't work!

But thankfully I was able to see my therapist for a regularly-scheduled appointment last night. I told her everything. About my bookstore experience, my feelings for him, and my general down-ness, if there is such a word. My therapist looked me straight in the eyes with more seriousness than I have ever seen from her, and simply said, "So you've taken a step back. So what! You've made so many steps forward that this was bound to happen." And I think she is right. I have gone forward from where I was several months ago. And this week I had a few stumbles. It's going to happen in any journey; mine is not exempt.

This morning I laid in bed, once again lamenting to the nearby white and blue pillow that I wish there was someone there to hold and to love. When I got out of bed and took a shower (Ohh...I LOVE showers; what a wonderful gift showers are), I dried myself off and looked in the bathroom mirror hung just above my oversize sink. I looked right into my own eyes, past the little spots from a mirror not cleaned often enough and past the stubble on my own face accumulated from not shaving. I asked that man in the mirror to be the man he was created to be. I asked God to help me be that man. And given that I like small goals, I asked God to help me be that man and love that man for just the next four hours. It seemed like a humble and attainable goal.

I took a breath, smiled at the man in the mirror, and walked to my bedroom in search of matching clothes. I set out on a quiet quest to be everything God created me to be for the next four hours. To be a good employee; to be a loving friend; to be a gay man; to be a wise encourager; to be a faithful journeyman.

So from my tornado of paralyzing thought, I have emerged a few days later as the comtemplative man in today's picture, walking the beach with thoughts of greatness. Oh, I know there will be more bad days. They may recur. Today, however, I choose to breath fresh ocean air, feel the sand between my toes, hear the birds calling overhead and wander on in search of my journey.