For years, I have found the weekend to be a difficult time for me. There was a time when I actually hated Fridays, because I knew the weekend was arriving. Often, that meant going home Friday night and being by myself, followed by a Saturday of being by myself and a Sunday of the same. What made Sunday all the stranger--or more cruel--was the trip to church when people would ask me how I was. I would lie, like most people do, and say how great my mood was or how busy I was all weekend long. When I crawled into bed Sunday night, I knew I was going back to work on Monday. And even if I was at work, I would not be by myself.
I almost never call anyone to make plans. I'm just not that type of person. Not having a lot of great ideas hampers me. And those times when I did have the balls to call someone, I got turned down anyway, which made me realize two more things: (1) That other person obviously ALREADY had something to do with themselves, which put them ahead of me already; and (2) maybe I'm not all that enjoyable as company anyway. It's sad that I would rather not ask than ask and get turned down.
So as another weekend looms, I am a bit sad. I'm by myself, which honestly leads to all sorts of temptations. That's when I have trouble with porn. That's when I start to chat inappropriately. That's when I pull the blanket over my head and will the time away, hoping to get back to Monday. I think of people making plans to go clubbing, and I realize that I'm not going with them and I really wouldn't want to anyway.
Some people suggest doing something--anything--to get over this. I'll try to at least buy groceries or get a library book or something to force me to be around people. I guess I just wish I could have a good weekend, or at least not a bad weekend. I know I should meet people or join a club or something. I know! It's just that when mild depression visits, those things that I know don't even make sense.
And I wish I could have more courage to enjoy friends and life. It's getting a bit lonely here.
4 comments:
Being a fellow introvert, I actually enjoy my weekends alone. Sometimes I get lonely but as a teacher i'm surrounded by people all day every day so the weekends are nice.
How old are you?
Sounds like you need a bit of community in your life in which you can be fully authentic, and it doesn't sound like your church is the place for that, which is unfortunate.
Your experience will likely make you an excellent encourager of others who face similar challenges in the future. I pray that you will find a way and place to give back to others.
Does it help to know that none of us are perfect either?
I am so not perfect...
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