Progress

Good news! I've been making some progress lately with my life.

Bad news! I've had so much to think about lately that it all gets jumbled up sometimes.

Nevertheless, I took great joy in my own laughter last night. I was watching The Family Guy on TV because I do not always care pomp that is the Oscars. And while I cannot actually remember any punchlines, I did laugh out loud several times. And that's something I haven't done in a long long time. It's as if my spirit is just a bit lighter and that God has lifted some of the burdens off my life of late.

For that I am very thankful. Now I just wish I could be a little more disciplined about stopping by here to process and work out my 'stuff.'

Love, Springer Style

What a train wreck. I actually watched a bit of a Jerry Springer rerun the other day. Wow...that's quite a show. Unfortunately, turning it off proved harder than expected. At first, thoughts of "What foolish people" and "Give me a break" ran rampant through my mind. I kept considering how I would *never* end up on the Springer show and that anyone who did should just keep quiet about it.



Then I thought a bit more. I still think the Springer show is a bit of a circus. But those people are someone's kids, someone's neighbor, someone's co-worker. I doubt anyone ever planned out their life thinking, "You know, I hope my life is such that I get on the Springer show. That's my new goal." It just happened, first with a small bad decision, compounded by another and another and suddenly that very regular person is now qualified to be a guest on Springer.

Springer guests are Someone's Loved Ones too. God loves them. God sees the mess, the hurt, the fighting, the drama, the stripping, the shouting, the train wreck that is Springer. And he looks through it all to find those kids of His that He loves.

Imagine how much love God has for someone on Springer.

Just as much love as He has for the neat and tidy family down the street.

Just as much love as He has for the regular factory worker.

Just as much love as He has for the pastor of a thriving church.

Just as much love as He has for the struggling Christian trying to make sense of His life.

Just as much love as He has for me.

Collide

There's just some neat stuff on YouTube. Where do people learn how to make these compilations?



I've always liked this song, Collide. So mellow, so relaxed, so easy to gently nod your head to the beat.

And then there's Brokeback Mountain...I remember going last winter. I remember how even buying a ticket at the movie theater was a challenge. Being alone, walking up to the mall box office and quietly asking for a ticket. I walked in the theater and the place was packed...with straight couples.

Once the film was over, I walked to my car and started the 15 minute drive home...in complete silence. No radio, no CDs, and hardly any traffic. Just me and my tears. It moved me so much. I wandered into my home and just sat, saying and doing nothing, but still crying.

I wondered if the tears would ever stop. Watching this clip made me cry again. The good kind of tears, I think, because I know I'm making progress. Slow and steady progress, with the hope that one day my life might collide with someone else's.

Updates

Well, I haven't been blogging here all that much. But, I'm still around. I've been doing a tremendous amount of thinking...

...about how far I've actually come in the last few years, but how far I have yet to travel.

...about the warmth of being close to another man, of having such peace that I could fall asleep next to him.

...about how to work on my extremely introverted ways of interacting with other people.

...about how to be more authentic.

...about why I pull back so severly at times.

...about porn and why I view it.

...about who to come out to next, if anyone. On one hand, I'm worn out from some people knowing and others not and keeping track of who is who. On the other, how do I bring this up with some people?

...about what those same people will think of me if they know I am attracted to men.

...about finding a new template for this blog. (I'm open for suggestions.)

...about my readiness for a relationship, and my hopes that I could really serve other man unselfishly, making him the best he could possibly be.

...about how my Bible goes unread for long periods of time.

...about how I never give a second-glance to a beautiful woman. I know when women are beautiful, I just have very little physical attraction. (Could they please just leave their clothes on?)

...about how I wish I could lose some weight.

...about the discipline in my life, or lack thereof.

...about if my sexuality is one big unachievable fantasy that I made up.

...about what God thinks about when he sees how I conduct my life.

...and lastly, about how to continue moving westward, toward peace and comfort and resolution.