Yesterday was not a good day.
I really got down. And when I get down and I'm bored, my on-line trouble roars its fiercest threat and rears its ugly head highest. I started surfing porn again.
I wonder if deep down I either don't believe there is anyone out there for me or if I just feel so alone with my feelings that I medicate them with porn. Some days I just long to experience my sexuality; but I don't have the balls to actually hookup with someone. I even wonder if I should hookup. I mean, at the very least, I would be with someone else instead of taking care of business all alone.
And after the porn, I feel so guilty inside, so gross, so ugly, that I just want to fall asleep and not wake up. I feel so inadequate and unlovely and so certain that I'll be alone. Is it possible I take all those feelings of ugliness and pour them onto my sexual orientation, rather than the inappropriateness of its expression? I mean, maybe I layer all kinds of guilt onto myself for being gay, when really it's just that I don't handle my sexuality in a very healthy way right now. I've been known to mutter to myself, "I wouldn't feel this bad inside if I was straight." Could that be true?
History shows I'll snap out of this funk. But for this moment, I just don't feel so great. I want to be held; I want to be held my someone who loves me and cares for me and may not even say a word until I'm ready. I want him to hold me.
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About Me
- Journeyman
- But inside I am hurting. I love Jesus. I am gay. I do dumb stuff. I long for peace within myself.
4 comments:
Sorry you had a bad day bro. Those seem to be par for the course if you're a human.
What if there isnt anyone out there for you? What would that change? Would you still follow God? It seems i'm slowly learning to be ok with being single. I dont know if its going to be forever. But times where I am free to minister more to my students because I dont have anything to go home to. Thats a blessing. Paul talks about it in 1 Corinthains.
If you havent hooked up yet, I applaud you. Don't do it. Its not worth it. It changes everything. I think you're onto something that whats more important now is how you're handling your sexuality. God doesnt want us to "not be gay" and in the process hate ourselves. Part of loving God is loving ourselves. And somehow I think our view of ourselves and how we relate to God is a bit more important than what we look at on the internet. Not that thats not important. But we've gotta see the bigger picture sometimes.
Hang in there bro!
Dear Journeyman
I just discovered your blog and wanted to say your writing is beautiful, your honesty touching, and your thoughts so resonate with me.
There is so much chatter on the internet about this side gay and that side gay; deep theological and philosophical musings; what is right and what is not. Whilst those things are good, I find it refreshing to read and empathise with your down to earth day-to-day struggles, thoughts and feelings.
Thank you journeyman
Justin, thanks for stopping by. Thanks for the compliments; they are warmly received.
One of the biggest things that dawned on me when the struggle got awful was that I was a real human being with a real face and a real story who does real things and cries real tears.
I am not a statistic. I am not a political or theological football. This is as real as it gets for those of us journeying on this road. I finally had to stop reading the pro-gay fighting the ex-gay and the church fighting the state and all these other people who spoke of me in generalities as if I was merely a speck in the crowd. I am real, and I had trouble finding that sense of individuality as I went from website to website in search of help.
This piece of cyberspace, my words on a web server, is my attempt to spill my heart as best I know how. I'm not terribly bright or an overly critical thinker. I just am working through my journey, and onlookers or fellow travelers are welcome.
Hey Journeyman!
I don't know where you live, but is it in a place where healthy friendships with other GLBT and affirming believers (e.g., affirming church, Evangelicals Concerned, etc.) are available? If so, make your first step not one of finding THE relationship, but the relationship of a community of friends where you can remove the masks that drag you down. "Singlehood' or life relationship will take care of itself from there.
My first attempt at "relationship" was on the "down low". What a disaster, and it ended exactly as things built upon "discrettness" (i.e., deceit) should.
If you live in a place where the development of a life-giving community is not available, how is the Spirit leading? God has not accidently created you with a same-gender sexual orientation; he is not "testing" you -- He knows we are dust. What is God saying? Which direction seems filled with "dust" and which with clarity and peace?
Sorry, no helpful answers; isn't growth and change swell?
Peace of Christ
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