Today, I'm thinking about ex-gay stuff, and reparative methods in general. I once sought therapy for my attractions, but I could hardly say I was 100% committed to the cause. I did it to make some other people happy, in hopes that they would dislike me less if they knew I had done something to be other than gay. I went about 4 times, and consistently felt like I was being almost herded into saying I liked some guys because they had qualities I did not. That said, my therapist was an extremely nice guy. I have no doubt he was doing what he thought was best, and that he truly cared about me.
Very quickly, I learned the right answers, much like a Sunday school class. I knew the pat things to say to make the therapist happy, to pass the test that I wasn't even taking. I have always been one to get A's, to regurgitate information that I knew would produce a satisfied educator. So ex-gay therapy was sort of interesting, because I had done so much reading on it head of time that I knew what was coming.
And also, I wasn't in a big hurry to be straight. If I really look inside of me, I know that I'd like to wake up next to a man that I love. I want to share life with him, especially the ordinary parts like buying groceries and vacuuming out the car. And then there is simple physical attraction; I just don't have very much interest in the female form. Can I evaluate that a woman is beautiful? Yes. Does a woman's body interest me physically? Not really. I didn't see how therapy was going to change that, nor did I have an absolute self-mandate that I come out straight at any cost. Yes, it would be much more socially comfortable to hold hands with a woman in public and have a typical marriage and family and look the part. Things would be easier, but I didn't want it. I didn't want a physical or romantic relationship with a woman--I never have. I simply want the social comfort of conforming and not being different.
I prayed that God would make me straight, but quite half-heartedly. I wanted to hold a man, and be held by him. I went to therapy, but didn't give it 100% of my effort. I certainly cannot say I did everything in my power to be straight...like so many gay people have said.
Soooo...do I not qualify for the gay Christian club? Am I supposed to go through the experience of the ex-gay and reparative ministries before I have the credentials to be a normally-adjusted gay Christian? What if for once--for one damn time in my life--I decided that I really knew that I am more attracted to men and actually tried to work that out in a Godly way rather than conform once again to what so many in my conservative surroundings would love for me to do? Do I have to have the ex-gay therapy badge to be authentic? Or accepted? Or do I just get to stand up for myself and say "I really don't want to go. It seems a bit silly and unnecessary to me"?
Do I have to prove something to myself? Or can I just trust myself, using the beautiful discerning mind God placed within me?
12 comments:
I'm not going to be pretentious enough to say I know the answers to your important questions, but I do want to share a couple of thoughts:
o The fact that you exposed yourself to ex-gay therapy primarily to please others is a big red flag. You can't truly be all God made you to be if you're not working from the inside out and seeking His will for your life, then taking that into your relationship with others.
o I have not seen anything in the Bible that leads me to think God would be so twisted that he would make you with same-sex attraction, then deny you the completeness, the fulfillment, of seeking and finding love with someone you are naturally drawn to. Those who claim they are "ex-gay" have generally been found to be still attracted to those of the same sex yet acting out a heterosexual lifestyle out of guilt or some twisting of scripture that they have been taught. You don't need to go through that sham--you can connect with God directly right now, just as you are.
Jim Johnson
www.straightnotnarrow.org
Do you first have to be a Jew to be a Christian? Or a pagan? I for one don't think a lack of one's experiences (particularly the bizarre and often damaging ones) invalidate anyone's journey. There are many gay Christians, particularly now and in the younger generation, who did not feel the necessity of going through the ex-gay process, and never did. I feel it's something that one should be thankful for, not ashamed. Wounds are no proof of God.
i just turned 56, have been dealing with this all my life, i am a christian, have finally resolved that God made me the way i am for a reason, there are so many gay christians out there,basically my therapist said last year not to try and change something God had made, the ex-gays are a sham like jim said...be yourself, be true and let God fulfill his plan for you..
Thomas Merton said something like this: "Being born again is not to become someone else, it is to become who you are."
Like Dave, I have come out late in life after decades of praying to be straight. It ain't worked yet.
And, I have never been to an "ex-gay" thing. I think they aren't worth shit and merely try to evade the obvious because our culture is SO hung up on sex. Read the book by Countryman and Ritley entitled "Gifted by Otherness." It has helped me a lot!
Or Glaser's "Coming out to God" or any number of other books about being gay and Christian.
I have struggles with sex addiciton myself (porn, anonymous pick-ups) and still I am a Christian, and still gay. Things ARE different for us, but we know some things need changing. Are you in an area where there is an SAA or SCA group? Check it out.
Stay on the journey. Even when we make mistakes on the way, God is with us. God never promised it would be easy, just that we would not be alone.
Our journeys are different so that we aren't HOMOgenous Christians (Sorry for the pun.). If we bland, store-bought, cookie cutter Christians, we'd be of less heavenly or earthly good.
Steve and I, as Christian gay males - would encourage you to be who you are, and live the live God has given to you.
Grow where you are planted, and you can be a true disciple of His every single day of your life - just allow life to be lived to the fullest.
God loves you - He made you, He allowed you to be who you are from the time of conception to this very day.
Live life to the fullest and you will find that life is truly worth the living - just because He lives for you - now go forth and live for Him and for yourself.
Our best wishes!
You may have seen it already, but if not, please check out:
http://www.gaychristian.net/rons_view.php
From your post and others' comments, I see again the damage caused by some churches' mistaken ideas that orientation change is a must. Though miracles do occur for some, most cannot change, and strictly speaking, change is not necessary. It may be easier to live with heterosexual attractions from an ego perspective, but spiritually, they leave one just as vulnerable to sin as homosexual attractions.
IMHO, what Christianity asks is chastity - sexual relations only in the context of marriage between a man and woman and open to the possibility of procreation. Whether one is born with or saddled with heterosexual, homosexual, or any other kind of attraction, the important thing is to be chaste.
I also recommend:
Christian Faith and Same-Sex Attraction: Eastern Orthodox Reflections, by Fr. Thomas Hopko.
So then did God make a mistake, Saul, or is He the cruel monster of Jonathan Edwards' fevered imaginations? Creating people to be gay and then denying them any kind of intimate love is sadistic. That is not a God of love but one who delights in inflicting pain and suffering on His creations. No, like so much else that has been abused from Scripture by the Church and Christians in general over the past 2,000 years this image of God and gays is flat wrong.
I'm just recently out, within the year, but my pastor has been essential to the process. He was one of the first people who I talked to (along with some friends from my Lutheran community). And I haven't gone through any "ex-gay ministries", nor do I intend to. I have been fortunate enough to find my peace with God through bible study and prayer and conversation with my Pastor and close friends. I consider myself to be "gay Christian", and I don't think a stage of self-denial is essential to that, nor should it ever be, if it can be helped.
Faith can help you and lead you on the journey to figuring out and embracing how God has made you. Don't put it up as a roadblock for yourself.
wow... loving all the tolerance of the exgay point of view. And the narrow understandings of God that place our desires at the forefront of His grand will for the world...
You speak of intolerance and then follow this up with a slam against a differing viewpoint? That's rich. I make no apologies for being strongly opposed to a movement that teaches people to be ashamed of who are they are and live guilt-ridden lives. God demands I change the unchangeable or off to Hell I go? What kind of absurdity is that? The whole "ex-gay" schtick is a horrible lie. I have far more respect for gays who choose celibacy because that is what their consciences dictate. How many people have been caught up into the lies the "ex-gay" industry peddles? How many lives have been destroyed because of it?
Personally speaking, I'm not sure if exgay therapy works or not. I've had mixed results with my own experience. For awhile, the attractions I had for other men did go away and I did start to find women somewhat attractive (which had very, very rarely ever happened in the past, and for no longer than a moments time). Thing is, even if it doesn't work for me, I'll never say it won't work for anyone else. I believe it when the Bible says "With God, all things are possible". I'll never limit the power of God to be able to change a life. So, I do believe it's possible for a gay person to become straight.
Should a person ever try to do this? That should always be their decision. This should not be a forced thing on anybody. Nor should it be the only way for a gay person to go to Heaven. That's crazy as all get out!
I've pretty much decided to be celibate. That is, unless by some Godly miracle I ever did come across a woman I'd find attractive who I would like to spend my life with.
On the issue of God being mean...
I don't believe God made me gay. I reject the idea of being born gay. I believe certain environmental causes brought that about (at least for me). Either way, though, I believe God wants and does not want certain things from us. Thing I've never understood about some people is why they think they can't be happy unless they are allowed to have sex or be in a homosexual relationship. A person can be just as happy without it.
That's just my thoughts on the matter.
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