Crushed

I'm just needing to keep mulling over what I wrote yesterday. Once I re-read my post, I realized it sounded a bit more dismal than I had intended. I'm not typically dragging my tired self around whining about singleness. I just know that I am quite introverted and that I enjoy my time alone. Probably a little too much, and so I choose to stay by myself in situations when I should be a bit more social. I suppose it makes joining the gay community hard when I'm not very outgoing. But I also know this has little to do with the gay aspect and much more to do with fear of joining a new community. It could be a new gym, or a support group, or a alumni association; I'm just not comfortable in new groups or any sort.

Someone told me yesterday of a crush he had from way back when on another guy, and how hard he had fallen for him, etc, etc. That reminded me that I can't recall most any time when I had a crush, male or female. That really bothers me. Wouldn't this puzzle called my sexuality be more clear if I had had some sort of undeniable crush at some point? I was just on my own; I never thought much about dating or having someone special in my life or whatever.

In fact, not so long ago someone said, "Everyone has crushes." I beg to differ. Not me. Perhaps I had crushes and have completely forgotten them, or that my poor self-esteem prohibited me from even considering a crush, or that I have just pushed away intimacy of any sort. I don't know.

So I come across a picture like these two hotties. And I imagine how nice it might be to wrap my arms around another guy, or to be held. It's exciting to me, and I even can tell you I think about something like this FAR more than I think about sex. But I cannot think of any guys from high school or college who I had a real-life crush on. Those ideas make this picture more of an idea in fantasy than something I think might actually happen to me.

I can think of one singular time in my life when I truly got flustered over a guy. Of all places, I was eating a burrito at a counter by myself when this very rugged guy in jeans and a blue shirt walked in unaccompanied. He was about my height and just looked good, his stubbly beard was beautiful. How exciting was it for me to peek to my left as he ordered and watch stealthfully from behind as he ordered. I was truly speechless, kinda fumbling by now with my napkin and praying to God I wouldn't be ridiculously obvious. I truly couldn't stop staring.

Of course, he came and sat down right beside me. By now I've managed to drop rice all over the floor and I'm futilely trying to be interested in the magazine I had been reading at my counter. I wanted so badly to say HI or something, anything. But doubt came, my fears resurfaced, he was out of my league. My one crush...there at the burrito place; I didn't even know his name. I lingered for as long as I thought I could, then picked up my stuff and went on my way, resealing myself back into my insulated world.

Hmmm...That was a bit of a tangent, I guess. Something of a daydream. Anyway, I'd like to have had one crush at some point or another. I'd like to think my world is composed of more than touched-up photos of hunky guys I can add to the blog. Crushes are just foreign to me, I guess, and that leaves me just a bit crushed.

Have a good weekend, everyone. Be good to yourselves.