Happy Coming Out Day, everyone.Once again, I find myself uncertain what to do with this day. I'm really glad organizations like the Human Rights Campaign put together a Coming Out Day. It does create an opening for people like me to come out, or at least to assess where I am and where I am going with respect to being a publically out gay man.
(I even saw a rainbow this morning, as my work publically recognized Coming Out Day. I'm not so sure the people here would all affirm me, but it is reassuring to have a job at a place which recognizes and celebrates days like today.)
Like last year, I still find the Coming Out process a little awkward and unnecessary. It's not that I think I should live in the closet. Spend about two minutes here or at a bunch of other blogs and you'll see how much pain and anguish that causes. It's more that I have no earthly idea why I need to have this awkward conversation that may or may not go well to express to someone else that I find guys attractive.
Recently, I spent some time with some friends from the past who I haven't yet discussed Coming Out with. I wanted to tell them--or at least some of them--but I found myself wondering how to start the conversation and/or what to say when it happens. Again, it isn't that I'm requesting advice here, but more that I don't know why it has to be such a big deal. They didn't pull me aside to tell me they like the opposite gender. Likewise, they didn't sit me down to explain how they like Coke more than Pepsi or why they use their left hand instead of their right. They are my friends; my friends that I love and who love me. BIG DEAL if you have some this trait or that. Yet society has almost placed this obligation onto GLBT people to Come Out, as if we should be pre-identified or something. Rant over: Really folks, I find today to be more of a celebration than an obligation, and I'm not as sour on it as it appears. I'm just sharing, and perhaps even longing for a new day. A day when I am out of the closet. A day when "Coming Out Day" isn't an annual event assigned to particular spot on the calendar. A day when "Coming Out Day" isn't as necessary as simply Being Day.
To reassure you that I find Coming Out Day to be a positive, let me share something else than happened today. A thing called PRIDE. Honestly, today, for the first time that I can honestly recall, I wondered what my life could look like if I was PROUD and comfortable with who I am. I thought about Coming Out, and joining so many other gays who have broken down the obstacles for me. I want to be associated with people like Nate Berkus, the interior designer from Oprah.
Or Dale Levitski, the self-proclaimed big gay chef from Top Chef. Dude, you are so funny, and I sure was pulling for you, especially after you declared that the "queer eye guys have nothing on me." Thanks for coming back to cooking, and in so doing, thanks for giving us a chance to know who you are and what you're about.
Or Chad Allen, who I distinctly remember finding extremely cute during Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and who has wrestled with and found peace with the dual identities of gay and Christian. Thanks for raising money for AIDS research, and for doing so shirtless, Chad!!And there is one other group of people with whom I want to be grouped. They are people that I probably have never met, and may never. They are people who stop by here and check in from time to time. They are authentically on their own journey, figuring things out along the way and encouraging the rest of us to keep on trudging. To guys like Steve and Warren on the shores of Lake Superior and Dave in Cleveland over on Lake Erie, thanks. And Peterson--who to my knowledge doesn't live on one of the Great Lakes--your unique humor and the form in which you deliver it is amazing, and your blog profound. You all kept me going by lifting me up, and by letting me read your stories in the "Blogosphere." (I realize naming a couple people in a blog entry is dangerous because I risk leaving other people out. Just go check out some of the blogs in the right column. There's some great reading and profound wisdom just one click away.)
I'm not sure I will come out to anyone today. At one point, I had even considered making today the day I threw back the veil of anonymity on this blog by posting my name and picture on it, but I can't do it just yet. As for the future, we'll see how things go. But just considering being out, however that ends up looking for me, is starting to sound pretty good.
5 comments:
I think deciding whether to come out and when to do so is a deeply personal thing. It raises questions of comfort. My own personal theory is that usually, we come out of the closet when the discomfort of remaining in the closet outweighs the fear of what may happen when we come out. And that's fine. It's a process we all have to take at our own pace.
hey there handsome hang in there....our time will come, i did something daring and bold and told my brother .........he is older than me and acted not surprised.....sooooooo, i came out to someone new this past week....feels good .....but want to throw that door open and just be me.........i feel so ready, but i don't know what holds me back.......
Just do everything at your own pace, it is your life. I'll just follow along and support whatever decisions you make for yourself.
I did not know Nate Berkus is gay, that is just so friggen cool! Plus I just found out a couple of months ago that Chad Allen is gay, I always thought he was so broodingly handsome on Dr. Quin!
Steven.
Choosing pepsi or coke? Those are choices. Being gay is who we are. It IS important or it wouldn't be so difficult for us.
I'm only a little bit out, only to a very, very few, and most of them, gay. Only a few straight folk know.
I so long to tell the world. And yet, I don't want it to be such a big deal. I know I am the same me I've always been. But the fear is that THEY will SEE me so differently, just because "now they know."
Also, I have children and I am not out to them yet. They need to know sooner rather than later. But it could greatly affect my job, so I have to hang in a little longer.
It does make a difference. How do you tell folk? Say, "I've come to a really important realization about myself, and I care enough about you all that I want to share it."
Well, it's all easy for me to say, ain't it? Forgive my blustering and bravado. I talk big, but never live up to my own talk.
Of course, it must be when we feel called to do it. Know that angels rejoice with us when we speak and live the truth.
Shalom & Cheers, "Joe"
Thank you so much for this post. I too have been dealing with these issues over the past year and it can be hard. I have come out to all of my friends, everyone except my parents. Thats going to be the hard one, and I'm not going to rush it. I like what you said about what life could be like if you are proud of who you are. That has given me a lot to think about. You are right - -Dave In Cleveland has been great. He has provided me with some of the most encouraging words over my journey and I have come to regard him as a dear friend. Hang in there buddy. You have friends out there. I'm glad you are so real in your blog. I really appreciate you.
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