Good news: My weekend ended up being pretty darn good.
Really, it was quite un-extraordinary. I woke up; I joined a few friends for breakfast; I tended to some cleaning; I walked around a shopping mall; I went to church; I met someone for coffee. Boring stuff, compared to what the gay male life is supposed to look like, or so I'm told.
And right there, in that very last sentence, is a tricky phrase.
Compared to.
I'm beginning to understand the kind of trouble I get into when I start using the words Compared to. Compared to my high school friends, my life does not exactly look like their lives, which are full of diapers and baby bottles and school assemblies. Compared to other gay men, I'm not quite as comfortable with myself. Compared to other Bloggers, I don't post as much. Compared to some guys at the gym, I am a weakling. Compared to my classmates, I'm a little slower to learn than they are.
So what?
Why must I always compare myself to someone or something else to understand myself? (Beware, I'm in a moment of clear thinking. There undoubtedly will be future posts detailing how I am comparing myself to someone else.) Could I say instead that I'm working toward a level of comfort with myself and call it good? And maybe even call it getting better?
Comparisons are a killer, especially because I nearly always use a comparison when I'm comparing myself negatively against someone or something else. Like, my clothes are not as nice as their clothes. I rarely compare myself positively. Like, I really listen to people at work more closely than other people. I suppose I am learning that this comparison thing is another of those instruments I use to beat on myself. When I compare, I usually come out on the bottom, and I cognitively do not see large benefits from continuing to do that. I'm not sure I can turn off this behavior right away, but perhaps at least recognizing this is a start.
My therapist would be so proud of me.
5 comments:
The journey is tough and can be so lonely. Even for those of us whose weekends are "filled with diapers, etc." the journey can be so lonely.
NEVER judge your insides based on someone else's outsides. Just because they look like they have it all together, don't believe it.
Just as you said you tell people at church that you're just fine, don't (automatically) believe it when they say the same.
Hang in, and hold on. I'm glad the weekend wasn't so bad. Sounds to me like you took some good steps to take care of yourself. Keep at it. Take it slowly.
Shalom, Joe.
you are you, never ever compare, there is no set life in this gay journey as i am finding, like bear said don't judge yourself by someone elses outside appearance....everyone asks me at church how i am and say fine and return the question and they say fine...its the standard answer and i don't think people really want to hear what the hell is going on in our lives....i have my close friend whom i can't lie to. and he will catch me in it every time...so hang in there, you are doing fine, just take it day and step at a time....
Thanks for stopping by, and yes it is good to have some one close by to listen to our hearts.
Steve is my sounding board and my love.
We are glad you had a great weekend...live one day at a time, never look back, keep your chin up and smile. Life is truly great!
"Could I say instead that I'm working toward a level of comfort with myself and call it good? And maybe even call it getting better?"
thats a good goal bro! i would focus on that.
Hey,
I really liked your post, You know the more we compare our selves to others the less unique and individualist we become, and then we all start looking the same. I think conformist are really boring.
check out my blog.
http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-PomjUyY3aaNd2CfuYZ17.4l6Idwa2A--?cq=1
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