I feel so Stupid. I mean, I feel first-class dumb.
I'm simply tired of the war that wages in my mind about my sexuality. I read a lot, and I sometimes cringe when I read stories of people who knew since they were 5 years old that they were gay. That is not my story. I didn't know. Or maybe I denied it for most of my life? Or maybe I'm just totally confused? Or maybe I'm bisexual? Or maybe I'm asexual? What the hell?
How can I be so confused? How can my mind be so tied in knots? All I can think about is how Stupid I am. I just keep thinking and thinking and thinking. People tell me it will get better. People tell me I will just know. I say I'm too dumb to know. I don't trust myself.
And so I pull back from everyone and everything. I don't even talk any more with a few guys that I once actually had interest in. Each time I've had some interest in a guy, I've had my heart handed back to me in pieces. I've begun wondering if it's just punishment from God.
But then who could blame those guys? I know what I bring to the table, and it is nothing. I would actually pity the person who ended up with me, because I know that I could never adequately love them the way they deserve to be loved. I want to be loved, I want to love someone else. But I would question the good sense of anyone who loved me. It's a Catch-22.
I walked through the store yesterday, watching hundreds of people know who they are and what they are about. My friends seem to know. They smile and laugh and date and stuff. And then there's me; I'm just trying to get by. I'm trying to buy groceries and cook for myself and show up for school and work without totally breaking down.
I wish I could understand my feelings. Some days, I wish I had feelings. I wish I wasn't so Stupid.
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About Me
- Journeyman
- But inside I am hurting. I love Jesus. I am gay. I do dumb stuff. I long for peace within myself.
6 comments:
If your struggle makes you stupid, than that makes many others stupid as well, including myself. It wasn't until I was in my mid 20's until I let myself figure out I was gay. It was several years after that before I could tell my mother (could never actually tell my dad myself) about my orientation, and I told my brother over the telephone at about the same time period. It wasn't till I was in my mid-30's when I could talk about it generally, and it's still hard to do so (I'm getting uncomfortably close to 40).
And I'm hardly stupid. I've ranked quite high on many intelligence tests. I'm self-taught in many areas of computers, and like to think I'm pretty good. Even taught myself calculus (I've had very bad experiences at various schools, so I refuse to go back at the moment).
Don't blame yourself. When a person has been told, in one form or another, 'gays are bad,' over and over again, one tends to repress that part of themselves for as long as they can get away with it. Look at Haggard! At least you didn't marry a show wife you didn't truly love in an attempt to appear straight (which many have done).
Don't beat yourself up for being 'stupid.' You do that, and you won't have any energy left in moving foreword in your path as a gay Christian. Just walk it, one little step at a time, and don't be upset at how slow you've moved on the path compared to others. The important part is to keep going.
Why do you need to know who you are? Just accept that you are loved and let who you are come in little pieces.
You are not alone and you are no more stupid then the rest of us. We are all a bit insane for allowing us to question ourselfs.
We are here for you my friend. More importantly Jesus is also here. And I believe He has heard your cry and read your post, too. We all are stupid and gone astray in our own ways. That's why Jesus says out of Him we can do nothing.
Have you ever thought you might be in a circle of emotions wherein you repeat happiness, an 'OK' moment and then a moody and 'stupid' PERIOD? If so, please don't beat yourself up. You are not alone. I know it sucks to be in that 'stupid' PERIOD, and that's why I am here to be with you! I believe I hated myself very much in those 'stupid' PERIOD, too...but, keep hanging on to Jesus. He is near to us and He feels every moment of pain we are going through.
I will be praying for you! -AD-
Life is Eternal. Live it. Every moment of every day. Stopping worrying about things you can not resolve easily - and instead accept the feelings, emotions, etc. that you have.
If God didn't make you as you were, gay, straight, bi, whatever-you wouldn't be alive and feeling as you are.
I think you are spending far to much time making the watch of life, rather than reading the time of life. Don't make things so complicated that you spend your whole life trying to major on the minor issues of who you are.
Instead, promote major points of your life. Your a man, your healthy, you have certain God given talents and abilities - so take those positive qualities and allow them to grow in your life.
If you look at your life in the whole span of time, you are but a speck or mere nothing - you only have but one life to live - so starting today, grab yourself by the balls and become a more positive thinking man.
Put a smile on your face, don't look back at the life you have had, concentrate on one day at a time, smile and enjoy life for what it is - it's truly very good.
Our best wishes to you ...
Such internal battles have nothing to do with smarts or stupidity, but everything to do with growth and change, which typically cannot be appreciated until seen in hindsight.
Everyone's story is different. I always knew that I was gay, but then I have friends who didn't know until they were in their 20s. I don't understand that at all, but I don't have to.
When it came time for me to reconcile my sexuality and spirituality, peace did not come until I first accepted myself as I was and accepted the past as it was. Of course, there's not a thing that anyone can do about those two things, so resistance is quite futile. :-)
Journeyman, be sure that there is someone in your life that can help you through the process. It's really not something we can do very effectively when we're isolated.
Peace of Christ
I'm 51, married, children. I am just coming out. It is changing everything. If you're stupid, I'm "stupider."
But when we have no context, no understanding, no role models, how can we expect ourselves to understand what it is in us.
When we do not have the words, how can we speak the language?
AND, never, ever judge your insides based on someone else's outsides. They may look like they have it all together, but looks are usually (always?) deceiving.
Go easy on yourself. You cannot the past, begin to give thanks for the present, and the Presence.
Cheers, and Shalom, Joe.
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