I've only been in a few gay relationships, and they all went horribly wrong. As for being with a girl, I've could count the number of dates I've had with woman and have fingers left over. What I do recall about one gay relationship I was in was being held. For all the doubt I have about my own sexuality, I know without a doubt that I loved being held by a man, and likewise holding another man.
Mitchell held me. He would stop in my apartment, sit on my old brown couch, and hold me. And if the mood struck us both, I would hold him. It didn't really matter; we just enjoyed being close. There might be talking, there might not. Usually we just sat. It wasn't even all that sexual, but I would invariably get hard, simply because I was comfortable. Oh, how I loved it. I haven't seen or heard from Mitchell in 2 years. The failure of that relationship still serves as a reminder of how broken I am inside. I'm not so much broken over Mitchell; instead I hurt because I don't believe I will ever be whole enough to adequately love someone the way he deserves to be loved.
Holding is such an intensely intimate experience for me. I well up inside and catch my breath when I see portrayals of gay men holding each other. I wept watching Brokeback Mountain, watching Jack and Ennis cuddle in their tent, and later during their all-too-infrequent visits after they were married. Does that make me gay? I fall asleep at night holding a blue pillow to my chest, imagining the beauty of my warm breath falling onto the back of the neck of the imaginary man I love. Of whispering 'I love you' into his ears. Of wrapping my arm around his chest and pulling him close to me. I am a hopeless romantic, probably more hopeless than romantic.
I want that: to be held and to hold. Yet someone with a conservative religious background told me that wanting to be close to a man is simply a sign of my underdevelopment as a masculine man and is all the more evidence that I should 'pursue healing' through an ex-gay group. I cannot imagine why wanting to love someone else--as impossible as that now seems--requires me to pursue healing. I almost got the impression that this person would be happier if I would drive downtown, find a prostitute and sex her right up. Grunt and moan and pretend her boobs turn me on. Somehow that would be better than wanting to lovingly hold a man?!?!
I guess I just don't get it. I don't even get me. I met a guy the other night; he seemed very nice. We exchanged numbers. Now I'm scared stiff to meet him again. I feel that broken and confused inside. So hopeless that I'd rather just be by myself. Why can't I have more comfort meeting guys? Isn't that what being gay is all about? Feeling comfortable to meet a man? Being excited to go out and form new friendships? Instead, it just scares me.
I may have found God the other day; I just wish I could find me.
6 comments:
Journeyman, remember that you are just that, a man on a journey. There will come a time when being alone will be more painful than facing your fears, then you will reach out to others. Be gentil with yourself, you will then be able to reach out to others.
That well meaning conservative Christian was full of crap. I can tell from reading your posts that you are warm, loving, sensitive man who is discovering new things about himself nearly every day. Look for the joy in the discoveries. Yes there is pain, but out of the pain and the questions comes growth and self awareness. You are loved.
Benton & Nick, I wish I could hug you guys about now. Thanks for the encouragement!
I am trying to be gentle with myself; it's easy for me to be gentle with everyone else, but I can be terribly hard on myself. Traveling companions like you guard me; I appreciate you.
Nick,
Are you a Christian?
If so, would you dare to direct your mean-spirited comment to the living God as well?
There is nothing but darkness coming from your lips, your intentions notwithstanding.
- - - - - - - - - -
Journeyman,
I do not doubt the fact that you have a tender, warm, and sensitive personality. However, your human characteristics are ancillary to what I am attempting to confront you with.
My words are only meant to represent TRUE love and you should recognize them for what they are. Your Earthly longings and "needs" are secondary to your eternal well being - which is what any true Christian brother or sister should be most concerned about, agreed?
I can assure you that Nick and others like him are mis-guided. On the contrary, lest I be attacked again (with no basis) for presenting you with truth, here is the foundation for my presentation:
In the patriarchs - Genesis 19:1-28
In the Law of Moses - Leviticus 18:22; 20:13
In the Prophets - Ezekiel 16:46-50
In the New Testament - Romans 1:18-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10; Jude 7-8
Needless to say, God’s response to homosexuality is abundantly clear—He opposes it in every age.
It's no different than if a married man decided to label himself an Adulterous Christian and, in order to legitimize his feelings and desires, proceeded to go out and find and join with others who were willing to support and encourage him along his journey to seek peace in that lifestyle. Would you seriously consider them to be demonstrating Christian love and guardianship as well?
No, in this battle for your soul, those who truly love you are those who walk with you in your journey with the singular goal of defeating the devistating impact that this lifestyle will ultimately have on you.
Turn off the static and focus exclusively on God's will.
Truth In Love
again with the anonymous comment? dude, leave your name if you're going to claim to speak in love. why are YOU hiding? refer to my comment to you in the other post.
anonymous, you speak of things you don't know or understand - about being gay, that is. and so you attempt to speak truth in love absent of any empathy. you present what you understand to be truth with your own assumptions and your own interpretations - starting at a place that tells you that being gay is a choice.
When did you choose to be straight?
-Eric
Hang in there, things will get better. It sounds like you've been making big strides lately. Just remember that being gay, and knowing you're gay, and knowing you want a man to love are only part of the picture. When you get out into the world and start interacting with other people, there's a whole other part you need to build for yourself. It'll come in time.
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