Romantic Chats, even at gay.com

I could just about cry. Yesterday I did what I do so often when I'm home alone. I long for a bit of company. I long to express that part of me that has so few other means of expression. I logged onto gay.com and went into the Cyber room.

Usually I don't find many people there interested in chatting. It can really be hit or miss. But yesterday, it was very different. I started chatting with someone from another part of the country, and there was a little tiny spark. A hit, if you will. Sometimes in the cyber room I find myself chatting in ways that I would never actually act. I play a role or whatever. Not yesterday. I was myself. I was completely myself. Everything I typed into my chat window was something I have imagined doing. Yes, things got X-rated. But still, it was one of the most beautiful chats I have ever had, hands down.

I am very much a romantic. I long to hold a man, to kiss him softly, to experience intimacy on every possible level. It simply seems right to me, and when I think in those terms, I get an erection. (Never get that reaction when the object of my affection is a woman.) And as this chat progressed, I simply wrote what I would do with someone I loved dearly. And my chat partner responded in kind. Gentle touching, quiet kisses, periods of simple silence, of getting lost in the depth and simplicity of another man's eyes, erotic nearness, passionate care, physical enjoyment.





















Is it so wrong to want to hold another man? Or to be held by the same? Am I nuts to acknowledge the reality that pictures like this one speak to me on a very very deep level, whereas images of male-female couples do not? I long for this, yet most of me believes it will never happen. The rest of my life will be marked by chats at gay.com. After the big 'climax,' I will clean myself up, then crawl into my queen sized bed--ALONE. Leaving only my sheets and my pillowcase to witness my tears, as I let die all those dreams of being with a man who I can love, a man who loves Jesus, a man I can serve and spur on to his full potential, a man who loves me. A man with whom I can fulfill my fantasies, and I his.

Or is the ultimate sadness not in my dreams, but in the way they are currently handled, as a fantasy at a computer screen, rather than as a piece of my journey of adventure as I figurative head west?

Crying once again...but looking west through my tears...